I Feel Like A Woman
by KamquatBanana
Summary: Arty isn't feeling quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? AU, obviously. Set after Opal Deception.
1. ChChChanges

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Okayyy… This was just a very random idea of mine that refused to go away until I had written it down (at four in the morning… ugh). I'm sure it's been done before; I just wanted to do it again! For those of you reading 'Obliviate', don't worry, I am not in any way abandoning it, I just had to put this up for a bit of fun… Hope you all enjoy! I know I will…**

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned them I would be signing autographs right now, not writing some crappy disclaimer. So yeah… -sighs- I do not own any of it. **

Artemis Fowl Junior yawned widely as a bright beam of sunlight escaped from behind the thick black curtains, shining directly on the sleeping youth. Muttering sleepily, the Irish millionaire staggered out of bed and towards the private bathroom.

A quick brushing of the teeth… A splash of cold water on the face… A hasty look at the mirror… And Artemis was ready to go. Wonderfully low-maintenance.

Glancing in the mirror, the teen absentmindedly tucked a stray lock of long, black hair back and peered at the reflection.

Long… hair… Frowning, still half-asleep, the young Fowl re-assessed the reflection shown in the glass, sensing something not quite right…

Angelina Fowl was woken by a loud scream emitting from her only child's bathroom, a scream that was distinctly high-pitched.

Yup. Artemis Fowl was just your average fourteen-year-old girl.

-------------------

Far below the ground, a centaur, a fairy and a sprite crowded around a small plasma TV that was, at the moment, broadcasting live surveillance of a certain mud boy. Actually, a certain mud girl.

Foaly shook with laughter, his hooves stamping the ground as he watched the expression on the girl's face turn first to incredulity, then doubt, then fear, then growing horror as she stood, transfixed, in front of the bathroom mirror.

On the other side of him, Chix Verbil was snorting so loud that he shot into the air a few feet with each grunt of laughter, his mended wing fluttering gently.

Holly Short was having a hard time not laughing herself, at the sight of the pompous Artemis Fowl with long, unkempt hair and pink, curved lips. The look of disbelief on Artemis' face was so overwhelming; Holly had the urge to leap out shouting, "April Fools!"

However she held her tongue, for as humorous as the situation was, she almost felt sorry for the mud teenager.

Almost.

If it weren't for the itty-bitty fact that Artemis sorely deserved it.

After defeating the mad revenge-seeking pixie Opal Koboi for once and for all, Artemis had vowed to start a fresh, incorrupt life. All had gone well for some time; Artemis finding and giving back famous stolen paintings and keeping in touch with Holly to help with her latest business endeavor.

And then… disaster.

Commander Ark Sool had done the unthinkable… banned all human contact with fairies, regardless of the purpose. There had been protests, most strongly from Holly and Foaly, but Commander Sool had never liked Artemis or Butler particularly, and protests of Artemis' innocence would do nothing to change that. It was obvious that this law was strictly against Artemis, considering that no other mud people were aware of the People's existence.

So Artemis had taken it as what it was; a personal affront.

He'd blown into Haven, Captured Commander Sool, and blown out. No one had heard of the fairy since, all though it was rumored there was a new act in a certain aboveground circus.

Now naturally there had to be punishments for this sort of thing, and the officials in charge of the case were not at all amused. They had wanted to sentence Artemis to years, if not a lifetime, in jail, but Foaly and Holly and even Mulch had pleaded and cajoled and gotten the sentence reduced. They weren't sure why they had stuck up so firmly for the boy, except that having Artemis Fowl as a friend was a worthwhile thing. And… truth be told, he was a likeable mud boy, underneath all that cold wit and sarcasm.

It was Holly who had thought of the old punishment they used to serve upon those who had performed an outrageous deed, yet harmed nobody. Sure, it was unorthodox, but with Artemis Fowl things were bound to get a little weird.

And as Foaly put it, "He was just asking for it with a name like that."

-------------------

Artemis stared with extreme horror at the mirror, mind furiously contemplating the possibilities.

One: This was someone's (probably Juliet's) sick idea of a joke. Oh, how fun! Let's scare Arty half to death with a cursed mirror!

Two: This was someone else's (most likely one of her many business enemies') sick idea of revenge. Or blackmail. Or both.

Three: This was a dream.

Artemis sighed, relieved. She… HE… was obviously still soundly asleep in HIS bed, dreaming this entire bizarre predicament. All he had to do was wake up…

Squeezing her eyes together tightly, she concentrated on the familiar bed; the feel of the sheets; the warm pillow beneath her resting head…

Urgh. Why was it you can never wake up when you really, really want to? Sighing, she tried again, thinking of her mother gently calling, waking her from her deep slumber…

"Artemis… Arty…"

It was working! She could her Angelina's voice! Opening her ice blue eyes expectantly, Artemis was shocked to discover herself still standing in the bathroom, her long raven tresses clearly reflected in the mirror.

"Arty, are you okay up there? I heard a scream… What's going on?" her mother's voice echoed through the hall, as her soft footsteps approached the bedroom door…

"Is everything all right?"

Think, Artemis, think! 'No Mother, I've just discovered I am entirely the wrong gender' didn't seem quite the answer she was looking for.

"I'm… I'm… fine," Artemis squeaked, loathing the annoying pitch of her voice. Attempting to lower her voice back to its usual tones, she muttered, "Just… shaving."

"Is something wrong with your throat?" Angelina asked worriedly. "Because there's a nasty cold going around… Honey? Almost finished your legs?"

The teenager nearly choked at her mother's concerned words. Not because her mother was concerned, of course. That was one of the things Artemis was finally enjoying; having her mother around to fuss and worry over her instead of lying stiffly in bed, staring at Artemis as though she had never seen her own child before…

The girl quickly cut that thought off, feeling the constricting feeling in her chest that occurred every time she… well. Enough said.

No, the Irish youth was more concerned by the fact that her mother had just asked if she was done shaving her legs. Something she (hopefully) would not ask of her teenage male son…

Swallowing faintly, the Fowl heir considered the possibilities. There was really only one (discounting the far-fetched theory involving feminine beauty products and a gay bar. Because Artemis really, really hoped things hadn't gotten to that point).

Angelina, and possibly the whole world, believed Artemis to be a teenage girl. Either this was one hell of a nightmare, or…

Giving a little wail of frustration, the girl genius stomped out of the bathroom. She was so not a morning person.

**A/N: Blame the plot bunny! –flails arms in pink fluffy bunny's direction- It was all his fault! Anyway, this was, as I said, some random idea and I'm not sure if it will work… Review if you would like to see more. I was thinking crushes, gym class and a school dance… Poor Arty. How I love to torture her.**


	2. Doomed

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Ta-da! It's the next chapter! Eep sorry for shortness; if I make it any longer I won't be able to update today, for we're getting carpet installed today and thus my internet is DOWN! –Gasp!- But, being the kind authoress I am, I am posting this right now while I still have the chance. I am also shocked and delighted with the feedback I received! People like it! Thanks to Adaia Swordmaiden (Yay! -Plot bunny frolics happily-), TrunkZy (I'm glad the day was improved! Ohhh I have big plans for little Arty…), Emilaline Faith (Hurrah, thanks!), Cricket-Mac-Wocky (I'm honored!), athleticsrulz (Thanks very much!) and Loki's Ragnarok (Sorry for the long update time! Thanks!). And now presenting… Arty goes to school!**

**DISCLAIMER: Do I look like Eoin Colfer? Well, I'm not. And therefore, I do not own them. Yet… -evil cackling-**

Angelina Fowl blinked in surprise as her daughter slumped down to the kitchen table, dressed only in a pair of faded gray boxers and an oversized t-shirt. "Arty? Are you… um… ready for school, honey?"

Cursing herself mentally, Artemis remembered that it was, in fact, Monday. A well-known school day. As if today hadn't been upsetting enough, now she would have to face her schoolmates… like this?

Wait a second. Artemis couldn't exactly attend St. Bartleby's School For Young Gentlemen in her present condition, could she? Which only left…

The girl genius shuddered in distaste. That horrendous public school, Werthington High. It was largely known as one of the worst schools around, what with the drug problem and steady number of dropouts. Surely the Fowls would not allow their child to be educated at such a place?

"Come on Arty, chop chop!" Artemis Senior pronounced cheerfully, striding into the kitchen with a mug of hot coffee. "Don't want to be late for your first day at Werthington, do you?"

Artemis groaned. The world was truly against her.

-------------------

Clothing provided a slight problem for the teenager. Gone from the vast wardrobe were the familiar rows of St. Bartleby's pants and vests, and in their place were a most peculiar assortment of brightly coloured tees, tanks, sweaters, skirts, capris… You name it. But while Artemis appeared to the world a normal fourteen-year-old girl, fashion-wise she was hopeless. You can't go wrong with an Armani suit; but you can sure as hell mess up layering your shirts.

Tentatively, awkwardly, the girl sifted through the neatly folded stack of undergarments. Taking a deep breath, she dashed out of her sleepwear and into the frilly white things. If I don't think about it, it'll be okay, she reminded herself, reluctantly opening her eyes but refusing to look downwards.

Well. This was rather uncomfortable.

I've deciphered an entire language and history of a people to use against them in return for pounds of gold; surely I can make some sense of these alien garments, the Irish youth thought reassuringly, picking items from the colorful selection at random.

Orange tank top… fuzzy pink sweater… black sequin miniskirt… green polka dot rain boots… and voila! An original look for back-to-school!

The young millionaire eyed herself appraisingly in the mirror. Well, it was too late to change now. Quickly running her fingers through her somewhat disheveled hair, the teen gave herself one last glance in the mirror before rushing downstairs again, and off to school.

-------------------

Foaly was doubled back with laughter as he watched the young Fowl sift through his changed wardrobe with growing apprehension.

"Holly, tell me you didn't…"

The elf merely grinned back evilly, the glint in her eye telling Foaly all he needed to know.

"I took the liberty of updating his wardrobe somewhat. It wouldn't do for a lady to be seen in a St. Bartleby's uniform, after all. And I may have… um… spiced things up a bit, clothes-wise. What can I say?" Holly replied innocently, clicking off the TV that was now broadcasting Artemis hurriedly undressing.

Chix Verbil, sprite and general annoyance, frowned. "Why'd you turn it off? It was just getting good!" A quick slap from Miss Short erased his cheeky grin quickly enough.

"Pervert!"

"Hey! Its just Artemis…" Chix muttered, wondering if it was morally wrong to check out the former boy who had been The People's numero uno enemy until recently. Probably.

Foaly interrupted impatiently. "Turn it back on now, Holly! I'm sure are favorite mud girl is all dressed now, and I, for one, do not want to miss whatever's coming next…"

-------------------

Artemis sat unnaturally still in the back of the Bentley, staring straight out the window at her future school. Most people fidget when they're nervous. Artemis Fowl froze.

Teenagers cluttered the parking lot and entranceway to Werthington, talking, laughing, shouting and lighting up. Artemis could already see the cliques being formed. A group of loud, brawling jocks yelled obscenities to each other by the doorway. The peroxide blondes with their matching handbags sashayed over to them, swaying their hips in a suggestive manner but staying out of reach. A crowd of frightened looking freshman huddled by the entrance, silently comparing timetables and staying out of the way. Over in the nearby field a pack of stoners 'inconspicuously' smoked a few, before a stern looking teacher came over and waved his arms for several minutes, before dejectedly walking away to the laughs of the druggies. A few weird kids with multi-coloured hair and strange keychain obsessions rested beneath a tree, comparing lunchbox stickers. Obvious outcasts. Then there were just the plain scary gothic kids sitting against the wall, staring at everyone with a bored expression on their faces. And finally, the normal ones. The sort that fade into the background, with their plain backpacks and small group of quiet, ordinary friends, wandering amongst the stereotypes calmly and efficiently.

Artemis would have found it all fascinating, if not for the fact that in approximately one minute she would have to leave the safety of the car to venture into this dangerous territory, armed only with a complex knowledge of several ancient languages.

In other words, she was doomed.

"Are you ready, Artemis?" Butler calmly inquired from the driver's seat.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Artemis muttered darkly.

"Let's go, Arty!" Juliet yelled energetically, bouncing out of the car and dragging the younger, more reluctant girl along.

"Have fun you two," Butler said with a wink, before driving away and leaving the two girls alone with a mob of unknown teenagers. Artemis gulped. She could do this… She would just have to try to fit in…

Right. Because it's so easy to fit in when you have your own bodyguard.

**A/N: Wheeee! –Dances in random sugar induced madness. – Next chappie Arty goes to his first class and makes an interesting new friend… Please let me know how YOU would like to see her tortured and I will try to make it happen… I'll do my best to update soon!**


	3. The Friendly Maniac

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Yay! Thankies to Adaia Swordmaiden (Do share those thoughts! –grins evilly- Poor Arty…), TrunkZy (I cannot promise anything… But I'll try to avoid bashing Chix whilst cheesily marrying Artemis to a Mary-Sue. Lol), adragonstears (So you want more, huh? Well you got it!) and Scottish Ninja (I'd like to thank the academy for my "Disturbed Laugh Award"; I couldn't have done it without my family, their oddness has passed on to me…). And now… Artemis' first class!**

**DISCLAIMER: -Sigh- Okays, okays, I have on right to these characters. I just enjoy playing with their emotions; don't sue me!**

Artemis hastily checked her timetable. First period… English Honors. Well, at least who ever had sorted out her timetable had put her in the right classes.

She cursed as she realized the room was at the other end of the school. Why did they place these rooms so far apart and still expect you to make it between them in five minutes? Racing down the hall, she heard a few sniggers and "check out the freak!" all aimed in her direction. This did not bode well.

Finally she found Room 345, a small classroom wedged between a row of lockers and the wall. Noting that there were 5 seconds until the final bell, Artemis launched herself at the door, tumbling into the classroom in a flurry of sequined-polka-dot-madness. The class snickered.

Straightening in what she hoped was a dignified manner; Artemis proceeded to walk haughtily down the aisles, searching for a seat.

Damnit… Everyone else had gotten here early, and there was only one seat available, right at the front of the class. Shrugging, Artemis pulled up a chair as Juliet took her place at the back of the room, quietly watching. She attempted to ignore the curious glares surrounding her. Who was this rubber-boot-wearing weirdo with the silent servant?

The bell rang, signaling that everyone should be present and seated. Ms. Brettany, their teacher for the semester, stood and proceeded to outline the day's work. She was slightly plump, with short-cropped hair and no-nonsense spectacles, and seemed to hold the class under her spell. After giving the instructions, she turned to Artemis.

"Class, today we welcome our newest student, Artemis Fowl II. I trust you will make her feel welcome?"

The class clapped in a bored fashion, looking not at all welcoming. Artemis gulped and sunk lower in her chair, wanting to quietly disappear.

Just then, a small, blonde girl with outrageous pink streaks dashed in, glanced at the clock and swore.

"I'm sorry Ms. Brettany, I set my alarm this morning but my cat, who was just neutered, jumped up because he's getting pretty antsy, and he knocked the alarm and-"

Ms. Brettany cut her off with a tired wave of the arm, looking as though she heard this all the time.

"Thank you for joining us, Miss Spenton. Please, take a seat so we may continue class."

The girl looked around the full classroom nervously, her eyes coming to rest on Artemis. She looked quite worried, and began trailing slowly towards the stacks of chairs, her eyes still on the raven-haired girl.

Flushing, Artemis realized she was probably sitting in the girl's usual spot. But there wasn't anywhere else to move, and Artemis was unsure she could get up once more in front of her classmates. Oh, the embarrassment…

She was snapped out of her reverie by the strange girl drawing up a chair and plopping down next to her, desk or no desk.

"You're new, aren't you?" she whispered to Artemis, who nodded nervously. She may be a girl on the outside, but inside she was still the same petrified Artemis, who had never been in such close contact with a girl her own age EVER before and was starting to sweat as she leaned over, smiling, to whisper, "I'm Naomi. Naomi Spenton. Welcome to Werthington, the crazy school."

Artemis nodded once more. Eventually she found her voice and croaked, "Artemis Fowl. The Second."

Naomi blinked. "Wow. You have a title? That's pretty neat. So who is Artemis Fowl the First? Any plans for a third?"

"No."

Artemis glanced over at her companion. She seemed slightly manic, bouncing up and down in her chair happily as she asked pointless questions about his life and twirled her pink strands of hair nervously. She was dressed in oversize workmen's boots, a pink plaid skirt with a few sewn on buttons, knee-high striped socks and a t-shirt featuring a rabid cat with the words "Psycho Kitty" written underneath. Well. The girl genius' outfit seemed quite ordinary in comparison.

Artemis snapped back to attention to hear Naomi whisper excitedly, "-you should come, it'll be a lot of fun!" Trying to look attentive, the raven haired girl nodded and smiled. "Sure."

"Yay!" Naomi cheered, clapping her hands together hyperactively. Artemis blinked. Perhaps she should lower her sugar intake.

Just then Ms. Brettany strode over, trying to look displeased but secretly smiling in amusement. "Girls, I would prefer that you choose to concentrate on the assignment rather then your personal conversations. Please open your textbooks to page forty-five."

Artemis blushed. She'd never been told off by an adult before, let alone a teacher. Well, there was a first time for everything.

-------------------

"Hey everyone! This is the new girl, Artemis Fowl II. How cool is that?" Naomi exclaimed happily, dragging the Irish millionaire towards the table.

Artemis blinked at the group of girls seated around the lunch table, eyeing the new student curiously.

The girl on the left with auburn locks and flawless skin smiled warmly. "Hi, I'm Hilary," she announced, unpacking a granola bar and bottled water from her paper bag.

The brunette next to her had blonde highlights and long, dangly earrings, and carried a handbag on one shoulder. "I'm Caitlin," she said shyly.

The vivid redhead on the right paused attacking a passing student with her lunchbox and said nervously, "I'm Liv. But you can call me Fawny." She then resumed beating the blonde haired fellow, who ran away squeaking.

Artemis blinked. Well, Hilary and Caitlin seemed normal enough, but 'Fawny' and Naomi sure weren't.

"I thought Artemis could join us on Friday! What do you think?" Naomi asked the motley group. It seemed judgment had passed, and Artemis was okay. The girls nodded and smiled, motioning for the dark-haired girl to sit.

Artemis looked confused. "Friday? What happens Friday?"

Naomi laughed. "You should know! You already said you would come!"

And so it was that Artemis Fowl, millionaire and girl genius, found herself attending her first-ever sleepover party.

**A/N: Can you sense the unavoidable MADNESS? The SENSELESS CHAOS? The IMPENDING DISASTER? One word, my friends: Makeovers. BWAHAHAHA!**


	4. Planet Of The Apes

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Okay, so I had no idea, when I started this, where it was going or whether I was going to actually make some sort of serious attempt, or let the madness take control… So I'm leaving it up to you charming readers: Fluff insanity or Fluff plot? YOU DECIDE. Lol. This chapter is just random fun… With Pixie of the Pen as a special guest! YAY! Thanks to all who reviewed: Adaia Swordmaiden (I like the way you think! –whispers evil plans to torture girl genius in ASword's ear-), adragonstears (Have fun at that party! And let me know how it goes, it may give me inspiration for a later chapter…), Pixie of the Pen (Of COURSE you can be in the story! It's getting out that's the hard bit…), Kittels (Yayyyy! –gives Kittels a magical chocolate popsicle-) and boogle (Squee! Thank you! You get… A field of marshmallows!). I wasn't going to continue this story very far but you people have made it such fun I think I shall…**

**DISCLAIMER: MINE, ALL MINE! –Mean-looking lawyer walks up- I mean… NOT MINE!**

"Hold still silly! I keep messing up!"

"I really didn't ask for-"

"Well you're getting one! Now stop moving!"

Artemis sighed and held her foot still while Naomi painted the last stripe of purple sparkly nail polish on the Irish millionaire's baby toe. Finally she stood, a pleased expression on her face as she studied her creation.

"There! All done. Now sit for another few minutes while they dry."

Artemis glanced down at her previously plain feet, now done up in all the colours of the rainbow and twinkling merrily. Sighing, she sat up, taking care not to disturb the wet polish. The things we do for friendship…

There was a weird foreign-sounding pop song blaring out of Naomi's ancient boom box, and the other girls were all dancing wildly while painting each others toes and fingers and cramming their mouths with cheesy snacks.

In other words, your classic sleepover.

Most of the girls were dressed in pajamas by now, generally consisting of oversized plaid bottoms and slogan t-shirts. Naomi sported a pink feather boa, and Fawny was wearing what appeared to be a pair of black wings strapped across her back. They were the ones dancing, mostly, and jumping around hitting things with their lunchboxes, which they had brought for that very purpose. Hilary and Caitlin were sitting on the poster bed, whispering about… something, and giggling a lot. There was also a girl Artemis had never seen before sitting cross-legged on the floor and channel surfing while singing along with the kooky music, nodding her head happily. She was wearing a miniature tiara, which bobbled up and down as she rocked out to the alien noise.

It was all very strange to Artemis, who regarded her surroundings as if she were some sort of behavior analyst studying a tribe of wild monkeys. That's what it felt like to her, at any rate, having never been to any sort of social grouping with people of her own age, let alone an _all-girl sleepover_.

The strange girl abruptly flicked off the TV and bounced down next to Artemis.

"Hi, I'm Pixie of the Pen," she said amiably, "But you can call me Pixie."

Artemis nodded slowly. She had not yet decided if this was one of the sane people in the group.

"Come on, let's steal their lunchboxes and force them to sit down!" she continued, giggling evilly. Artemis smiled. Perhaps this could be… fun?

-------------------

"MAKE-OVERS!"

Artemis was not sure who had cheerfully yelled out, but at once the girls leapt up as one, shouting, "Yeah!" The Fowl heir gulped. Wearing the clothes was one thing, but wearing the make-up was entirely another…

But before she could form some brilliant escape plan, she found herself roughly hauled to the chair in front of Naomi's large, well-lit mirror, and her face being pinched by various people.

"Nice colour…"

"We can work with the eyes…"

"Shame about the eyebrows, though…"

Artemis glared at the maker of this comment. She was a Fowl, and Fowl's did not have flaws, not even… She stopped as she blinked at the mirror. Wow, those eyebrows really were bushy. Perhaps it had been acceptable as a boy, but as a girl it looked rather… prehistoric.

"Right, first thing's first," Hilary said loudly, taking command of the situation, "We'll need a pair of tweezers and some wax. Lots of it."

Artemis watched, mystified, as the girls curried of to get the wax and heat it, preparing strips of cloth. What exactly were they planning to do to her face?

She found out soon enough.

"Owwwwww! D'arvit, don't DO that!"

Caitlin frowned. "D'arvit?"

The dark haired girl blinked, thinking fast. "Yeah. Um… It's my own swear. I don't like to curse, so I make up different words instead of the grossly overused ones."

The others nodded wisely. "I do that too," Naomi whispered confidentially, "Like when I'm really angry, I sometimes say… Holy Schwitznickel!" She blushed, like she had just said something dirty.

Artemis would have been cheered by the success of her little white lie, had the second strip of hot wax not been yanked painfully from her face at that exact moment.

"Arghhhh! Would you cut it out?"

The others laughed, Hilary patting the irate girl's head mockingly. "We must suffer to be beautiful, Arty. Besides, it's not even that bad. I find the tweezing much worse. But you can decide for yourself, once we're done."

The pale youth blanched even further.

-------------------

Many hours and some cheesy snacks later, all the girls lay sprawled on the floor, exhausted. The quirky pop had long since been replaced by some heavy metal band that Artemis thought sounded like a dying animal in a thunderstorm, but kept this thought to herself. She'd been waxed, plucked, shaped, exfoliated, moisturized, toned and finally dolled up, and then the procedure had been preformed to every other member of the group. It had been a long and quite educational night for Artemis, although she hoped she would not need the lessons she had learned tonight much longer.

If only she could go back…

And yet, as she found herself lying here with these five cheerful, welcoming girls who had accepted her without a blink of an eye… She felt like she had friends. Not Butler, not her parents, not an underground civilization unknown to humankind; but live, aboveground friends _her own age_, who went to her school and faced the same sort of problems she did on a daily basis.

Okay, so maybe they never had to worry that their billionaire father had been kidnapped by the Russian mafia and could only be rescued by Fairy people, but then again Artemis was quite different.

But here were these people, ready to like her and include her, and it made Artemis feel… good. Happy. Warm.

"Hey," Naomi whispered from the ground, "Want to know a secret?"

The other girls nodded and propped themselves up on their elbows, always happy to listen to someone's dark inner truths.

"Well, you know how my grandma died recently and all… and my mum's been really upset. But I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel sort of numb, like nothing ever happened. And then I feel guilty, because I should be crying, I mean, this is my _grandmother_! But I can't."

The others nodded sympathetically and whispered reassurances.

"It's okay," Pixie said quietly.

"You're a good person," Caitlin murmured.

"Your mum's rather bonkers anyway, isn't she?" Fawny said helpfully.

Hilary said knowledgeably, "You're probably still in a state of shock. When someone close to you dies, it's a natural reaction to block out the emotion."

Naomi nodded and smiled slightly. "Thanks guys. I was feeling pretty awful about that. My mum seems really upset, and I felt like I didn't care enough, or something."

Artemis was surprised to find herself suddenly talking. "I felt the same way after my Father went missing. Everyone told me he was dead, but I couldn't believe them. I felt no pain or grief, just disbelief, shock. Actually, he _wasn't _dead, and once I found him I suddenly felt all of the grief I hadn't been able to before. So I was crying as I welcomed my own father back. Weird, huh?"

She had everyone's attention. They were staring, transfixed, as the mysterious new student spilled her soul. Suddenly she felt quite awkward. She hadn't meant to say anything at all, she'd just felt so comfortable in the small circle of friendship, wanted to tell someone, anyone, how she was feeling.

Suddenly, the girls lunged towards her. Artemis blinked as she found herself in the midst of a giant group hug. Someone was singing, and pretty soon they all were; "Weeee are the championsss, my friendsss… And we'll keep on fighting, till the enddd…"

Laughing, the group fell apart and onto the brown carpeting of Naomi's room. Fawny suddenly leapt up. "Who wants to do karaoke?" The girls instantaneously put their hands up, shrieking.

Artemis smiled widely and volunteered to sing "Survivor". This was the corniest night of her life. And the best.

**A/N: Hehehe… Sorry, I know that was über-corny, as Artemis said, but you have to admit, you enjoyed reading it… Yes you did… Oh and no, I did not describe how Artemis or indeed anyone else looked after the make over, it didn't seem that important; but perhaps I'll do so in the next chapter. I know you're dying to know if girl-Artemis is a sexeh lady or disfigured hag. And for anyone who hasn't guessed: Naomi is based (who am I kidding, she IS) me, and yes, that is my real name, although my pink hair is now blue. And those are my friends, who I am striving to portray accurately but keep messing up. –Sigh- They're just too complex. Anyways tata love you all muchly and see you with the next chapter… Which I really have no idea what happens in or indeed when it's coming. Soon!**


	5. Smells Like Teen Hormones

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Wow! ELEVEN reviews! ELEVEN! I would have updated sooner out of pure joy at having ELEVEN reviews, but what with Halloween and all… I've been busy. Sorrysorrysorry! But I'm back now, with a new chapter, so you still love me right? Right? Please?**

**Thanks to: Kittels (Yay! Just for that you get a triple choco-fudge CUPCAKE!), Adaia Swordmaiden (My sympathies to you; I know how it feels. Yay Karaoke!), Ferrai (Thankies!), Cricket-Mac-Wocky (-Gasp! - Not the waffles! Please God no! ), boogle (Hurrah!), LadySara05 (Lol my friends are indeed crazy… And I have no idea when Arty shall know. But when she does she won't be too pleased…), Lugian-Holly Before Swine (Thanks so much!), Magpie (You make me blush! ), xMetallicBooger (Hehe yup… and I'm not done with her yet! Cool name O. ), TrunkZy (I LUFF polka dotted rain boots. And yes my friends and I are very strange!), Millie (Of course! You shall be in the very next chapter!) and padfootvfd (Oooh! Good plot twists… And mwahaha I shall!). Look for my wonderful Cousin Millie, appearing next chapter! –Murmurs wonderingly- ELEVEN reviews! -KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: In no form or shape do I own Artemis Fowl or any of the characters portrayed in this fan fiction. Except myself. No wait, I sold my soul to the devil. Hmm…**

Artemis woke to find herself alone in some sort of bedroom, the walls covered in strange posters and drawings; discarded sleeping bags littering the floor around her. Her brain still fuzzy with sleep, she pondered why she was not in her bedroom at Fowl Manor, and where exactly she was.

A reflection in the large antique mirror opposite caught her eye, and she was startled to see a rather pretty girl about her age staring back at her through the glass. She tentatively took a step forward; the girl did too. In fact, this girl had straight dark locks and piercing blue eyes almost exactly like…

Artemis blinked. Right. This whole being-a-girl thing was hard to get used to. She stared closer at (what she now realized was) her own reflection, and was forced to do a double take. The genius had never actually stopped to observe her _female_ face before, being a bit preoccupied with re-discovering her identity…

She was startled to discover it quite nice. Not at all the disfigured hag she had feared… But then again, Fowl genes were impeccable, no matter the gender. Artemis the girl had shiny, straight locks in a jet-black shade, falling slightly past her shoulders to her mid-back. Her eyes were the same ice blue, radiating shrewd intelligence and framed by dark, elongated lashes. Her chin stuck out in a regal manner, accentuating her cheekbones, and her nose was thin and straight. Her newly plucked eyebrows were finely arched, giving her a sophisticated and slightly calculating look. Very Artemis Fowl.

The Irish millionaire nodded approvingly at herself. If she was still a boy, she'd almost fancy… _Hold on, Artemis, _she thought sternly to herself, _you do not want to even go there… How much therapy will I need after this?_

At that point five or so other girls burst into the room, singing very loudly and, it must be said, badly; some of them very scantily clad in fishnets and what looked like… corsets? Some of them being Fawny and Naomi.

Artemis stared. Oh yes. She'd need quite a bit of psychoanalysis…

-------------------

Foaly stared at the plasma screen, the corners of his mouth twitching as he watched the Fowl boy… Sorry, girl, stare at her reflection in the mirror for several minutes.

"Someone's getting a bit vain," he snorted merrily. "But why in a hairy dwarf's ass did you not take the chance to horribly disfigure him, Holly? Why give Artemis Fowl another chance to inflate his- her smug ego?

Holly sighed. "Come on… She's already taking on a whole new gender here! I thought I'd at least let her keep her normal facial features… just… girlied up a bit."

At this the two burst into laughter, leaving Chix Verbil to stare happily at the monitor as more girls ran in wearing skimpy outfits and singing. Chix whistled slowly. He was enjoying this program more and more.

Foaly looked up in time to see the girls begin talking to Artemis, as the Irish youth stared, hypnotized. His mouth dropped open and he nudged Holly sharply.

"What?" she said, still faintly chuckling. "Don't tell me your enjoying this as much as Chix…"

"No," the centaur replied, barely keeping a straight face, "But someone else sure is…"

Holly stared closer at the screen, focusing on the mesmerized raven-haired teen. "Oh my… You're not saying…" Her jaw dropped open as well.

Foaly let loose with a giant whoop of laughter. "Of all the times for Artemis Fowl's teenage hormones to finally kick in… this has got to be both the most awkward and hilarious I can think of."

-------------------

(Monday)

Artemis stared at the plain white t-shirt clenched in her manicured hand, sweat forming on the top of her lip. She could do this… She just wouldn't look around, or think about what she was doing…

Slowly, painfully, she peeled off first her fuzzy pink sweater, then her orange tank top. Quietly hyperventilating, she grabbed the t-shirt and yanked it over her head in a mad scramble, extremely aware of her exposed flesh.

The girl's changing room. What a nightmare.

Actually, to most boys it would seem like a dream come true. Here was the perfect opportunity to sneak in and see exactly what happened behind those closed doors, without anyone suspecting a thing. Artemis had two problems with this.

First, she was so self-conscious about her own recently acquired body that she could barely breathe, let alone open her eyes.

And two… Artemis Fowl was not most boys. In fact, she wasn't even a boy anymore.

So why did she feel like this?

Slowly she ventured to open one eye. There were girls everywhere… Short girls, tall girls, tan girls, freckly girls, curvy girls, petite girls… All changing. Laughing and carefree. Unaware of the alien in their midst.

Artemis fought the feelings stirring inside her; basic, primitive emotions she was ashamed to have. Wasn't she better then this? Wasn't she a noble Fowl?

She recalled her mother's words, spoken many years before, when Arty junior was but a lad of ten and his father not yet missing.

"Artemis, at a certain age, girls and boys stop being children and begin their journey to adulthood, usually during their teen years. At this time, you will experience some new emotions and physical changes as you grow, and it's all completely natural. It's just part of becoming a grown-up. I'm telling you this now so that when you start to mature you can recognize what's happening and talk to me if you have any questions. Do you have any questions now, Arty? Do you understand?"

Past Artemis slowly shook his head no, having on idea of what his mother was going on about. Changing? Maturing? He had no intention of doing either. He's much prefer going back to working on his 5th grade Science Project, which was currently being investigated by several acclaimed Science journals.

Present Artemis sighed. Yes, she certainly now knew what her mother had been talking about all those years ago, and she desperately wished she could ask her those mentioned questions. But what could she say? "Mother, I know I appear to be a girl but I have the mind of a fourteen year old male who is rapidly discovering his interest in the other sex. Oh, and how do I hook up my bra?"

Oh to be young and naïve. Artemis sighed once more, for good measure, and opened both eyes, determined to boldly face the music. Just then, some random freshman brushed by wearing only short-shorts and a midriff-baring tank top.

Artemis groaned.

**A/N: Bwahaha. The torture of Arty continues. So yes, I hope no one minds that I am making Artemis horny as a… erm… fourteen year old boy. I was inspired by padfootvfd, and may add some sort of bizarre romance in here… Although of course Artemis will have to first go through arbitrary agony I assign her, such as: a school dance, a freaky stalker, and a bit more karaoke. Now, just to make a few things clear:**

**Holly "transformed" Artemis. I'm not sure how; perhaps she just snuck into his room in the dead of night and did a little magic; but she did. I'm just too lazy to properly explain that in the story.**

**Artemis has the body of a teenage girl (this includes the fact that she will have periods and whatnot… hehehe) but her mind remains the same. Thus, the perverted mud boy thoughts.**

**I will not let this story become an awful cheesy romance and/or lesbian romp. Too bad for you.**

**I will update whenever I have time (which is not that often . ). This is a SIDE PROJECT to distract me from the crap that is my life and finishing any "serious stories."**

**That said, thank you SOOOOOOOO much for your wonderful support; I love you all muchly and could not go on without you! COOKIES FOR ALL! -KamquatBanana**


	6. Flavour Girls

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Wow! I'm updating! And it hasn't even been a week! It's all thanks to you lovely supportive reviewers; you're all fabulous and have excellent taste (-cough- not that I'm being immodest or anything –cough-) and WHEEEE! What can I say? Oh yeah, thanks…**

**Thanks to: Adaia Swordmaiden (Lol sadly I am, in fact, a girl; but the fact that should I ever have a sex change you would love me is very inspiring…xD), LadySara05 (Hehehe yay), Ferrai (Whoop! I have a special talent! –Victory Dance-), Kittels (Lol yeah sorry it took awhile… It won't happen again, officer!), PeanutButterII (Of course you get a cookie Peanut Butter THE SECOND. Lol yay), padfootvfd (You should feel special! For not only have you inspired me, but you have a fantabulous name!), Phoenix Skyborne (Yes; it's the classic gender confusion issue… Very fun), crazy pineapple lady (Wheee thanks so much! –Plot bunny modestly takes a bow-) and heartsoblivion (Oh I know… And it gets worse… -evil laughter-). Now, just a warning… This chapter contains no plot. No really. It's just random drivel that I happen to find amusing. And although I promised to introduce Millie this chapter, I has to cut it short, so NEXT chapter it shall be!-KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: Let's just say that hypothetically I owned Artemis Fowl. What then? Would I, in fact, sit at home with my cat and computer typing this random epic voyage into Artemis Fowl's girliedom and making no money whatsoever from it? I think not. I would be out RULING THE WORLD! BWAHAHAahahahahahahahahah… -Cough- So what I'm trying to say is: I don't own it.**

(Tuesday)

Artemis strode confidently towards the large metal doors of Werthington High. She was feeling somewhat better about the whole situation; she knew her way around now, she had friends, and with a little help from Naomi she had even learned the proper way to put on pantyhose (scrunch one side up, slide foot in, pull up, repeat with other foot).

Thus, the Fowl heir had decided to wear black tights, a white miniskirt, and two shirts on top of one another; a stripy black and white long sleeved and a black t-shirt emblazoned with "Save the Kittens". She had a feeling the others would approve.

So, it was with some amount of smugness and self-assured cockiness that the Irish millionaire opened the doors to her new school and stepped inside.

Until the snickering started.

It began as a quiet murmur among the students she passed; a whisper, a nudge, a stifled laugh. Then it grew, until the corridors filled with the unpleasant tittering of her peers.

Artemis scowled as she blushed a light pink colour. She shouldn't let them get to her like this. It was probably just because she was a new student, and not all that "normal". She certainly wasn't trying to fit in.

She adopted her fiercest smile and blazed to her locker, ignoring the sniggers surrounding her. At her locker she found the entire group, hanging around and looking exhausted.

"Hey!" she greeted them happily. God, it was good to have friends.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Morning."

"Grddfsdg…"

That was Naomi, greeting her before leaning her head on her shoulder and feigning sleep. She allowed the full weight of her body to rest on the raven-haired girl's shoulder, causing them both to stumble back and fall to the ground. Artemis blushed further as the laughter increased and daintily picked herself up, but Naomi remained on the floor, motionless.

"Is she… okay?" Artemis asked hesitantly, still flushed from the recent body contact.

Hilary sighed. "Yeah… Just not much of a morning person."

"Ah."

"How come you're so chipper anyway?" Fawny asked, yawning. "It's so earlyyyyyyy…"

Artemis blinked. "Is it? Oh. I usually wake up at this time, so it doesn't seem unusual to me. I guess I'm just… a morning person?"

The others merely stared. Finally Caitlin croaked, "Even… Even on weekends?" Artemis nodded. "Holidays?" More nodding. "D.A.S.?"

"What?" the young Fowl replied, confused.

"D.A.S… Day After Sleepover." Caitlin confirmed.

"You slept like a baby!" Hilary chuckled.

Artemis flushed further. "I was not conditioned to the hours nor the energy spent during such a social interaction… I- I- may have overslept slightly to regain my usual motor functions."

The others gaped this time, staring at the embarrassed teen with looks of wonder on their tired faces.

"Ergh… It's… too… early… to be smart…" Naomi muttered from the floor.

-------------------

After patiently sitting through two classes made for absolute morons, Artemis rejoined the group at lunch. She was tired of being treated like an imbecile by the teachers, tired of being sniggered at by the students, and overall _tired_.

The others, however, were not.

"Hiiiiiiiiii!" Naomi yelled, bounding over like a hyperactive ferret on crack and dancing around the confused girl genius.

"Um… Hello?"

"Isn't today SUPER!"

"Not anymore so then usual…"

"I think its just SUPER!"

"That's… great…"

"Hey I want you to meet my cousin Millie later today, okay? She's from Australia! She's so awesome and cool and stuff!"

"Sounds good… Are you, um, okay?"

"I'm SUPER!"

"Okay then."

Artemis carefully edged away from the manic pink-haired girl and whispered to Hilary, "Is there something wrong with her?"

Hilary sighed deeply. "She had sugar."

"Meaning…?"

"There is something very wrong with her."

"Oh."

Artemis turned to talk to one of the others, only to see Caitlin and Fawny standing behind her, eyes glazed over with crazed smiles on their faces. She gulped.

"What about them?"

Hilary gave her a sympathetic we-are-the-only-sane-ones look. "Ditto."

Suddenly Naomi broke into song, singing loudly (and quite off-key):

_"I'll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want-"_

Fawny jumped in with:

_"So tell me whatcha want, what you really, really want-"_

Caitlin repeated:

_"I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want-"_

And Hilary added, with a if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em look at Artemis:

_"So tell me whatcha want, what you really, really want-"_

All four girls chorused, in time:

_"I want a, I want a, I want a, I want a, I really, really, really want a zig-a-zag-ah!"_

Artemis watched, bewildered, as the group gave a mock bow and burst out laughing; giggling so much that they toppled over onto the floor. Passing freshmen gave them amazed glances, while the seniors merely looked on, incredulous but unimpressed.

"Spice Girls forever!" someone called out from the heap of laughing girls, but Artemis was not sure who exactly had said it.

Suddenly Fawny poked her head up from the pile. "But wait… There are five girls in the band."

Hilary caught her drift and said slowly, "But there are only four of us…"

Caitlin added, equally slowly, "Meaning we need one more member…"

All four girls stood up and looked expectantly at the girl genius, who swallowed noisily.

"I've never even heard of these… Flavour Girls or whatever they're called," Artemis said unconvincingly.

"We can teach you all you need to know," Hilary said seriously.

"It'll be a laugh!" Caitlin said pleadingly.

"And tons of fun!" Fawny added happily.

"And best of all…" Naomi pronounced giddily, "YOU can be Scary Spice!"

-------------------

Artemis Fowl was brilliant, manipulative, determined and forceful. The Irish teen had dealt with the Mafia, big city businessmen, and an entire race of advanced creatures; and always come out on top. Simply put, she did not take no for an answer.

But the girl genius had one serious flaw; a weakness that, were it to be discovered, could very well be her undoing.

She couldn't say no to anything.

Oh sure, it was easy enough to dodge doing one's homework or ignore one's mother ordering one to clean up one's bedroom. But when faced with, say, a group of pleading teenage girls, lower lips trembling, Artemis Fowl found herself unable to take the rational course of action and just say, "No thanks."

And so, Artemis Fowl junior found herself becoming the fifth member of the Spice Girls' Fan Club Band; Scary Spice.

What a softie.

**A/N: Okayyy… Next chapter: An explanation as to why everyone was sniggering at Arty in the hallways, finally meeting Millie, and more shameless Arty torture in the form of an all-girl band rehearsal! YAYYYYYYYYY! Yes, I am aware that I need a life. And that this chapter made no sense. And that there is no plot. BUT ALL THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE! Well, at least the no plot bit. As for me ever having a life, I find it more likely that Holly will grow a beard and wear shamrock-green while guarding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. –KamqautBanana.**


	7. Just Friends?

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MILLIE! . Also a happy late birthday to the extremely HAP Vicki, and an early happy birthday to MYSELF, who turns fifteen in… Would you believe it… FOURTEEN DAYS! WHEEEEEEEEEEE! Oh, and happy birthday to My Mum… Hehehe…**

**Thanks to: Kittels (Yay! You're too kind), padfootvfd (I also just had SUGARSUGARSUGAR! I find it inspires randomnosity! Hmm, counseling you say…), Adaia Swordmaiden (Thank you! I hope the following chapter makes sense, there's more Spice Girl oddity… Lol), LadySara05 (Being most people is boring), Phoenix Skyborne (I find the nineties to be a truly magical time of tasteless music and fashion that you can't help but love… Like the Spice Girls) and Lugian-Holly Before Swine (Thank you very much!). And now… The Chapter Where I Finally Actually Really Introduce My cousin Millie! -KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: Someday I will team up with Artemis Fowl and unleash my ultimate weapon of mass destruction that shall allow me ownership of all things fictional. Until then, I don't own a scrap of it . .**

(Wednesday)

Artemis shifted uncomfortably in her chair all that day throughout English class. Goddamnit, she felt like she was wearing incontinence knickers or something…

Upon arriving home Tuesday, Artemis had discovered something rather unsettling. Apparently one of the "perks" of her new body was she got to BLEED into her knickers every month. After Angeline had managed to calm her distressed daughter, who was convinced she was going to die, she had told Arty all about periods and pads and tampons. The girl genius vaguely remembered hearing about these things once or twice, from her mother or some (misguided) attempt to teach the St. Bartleby's boys sex education. She'd just never imagined any of it would apply to _herself_.

So now the Irish millionaire was forced to wear one of those cumbersome pads (as the tampons, quite frankly, scared her) for SEVEN DAYS every MONTH. If she'd ever had any idea how much girls suffered through she would have been much more sympathetic with Juliet and her mother. Not only was Artemis considerably uncomfortable, she was also mortified by the incident of yesterday. Apparently, the students had been laughing for a rather different reason then she had imagined.

White miniskirt + Period Ultimate Social Humiliation, as Arty now knew.

"Hey, can you make it to my house after school Thursday?" Naomi whispered suddenly, breaking the other girl's train of thought.

"Huh? Oh, yeah… Sure…" Artemis replied.

"Great! We have to practice for our big gig, you know, at my cousin's birthday party, so…"

"Wait a minute? Practice? Gig?"

"Yeah. You know, practice our songs and stuff? I thought we could do my own special rendition of 'Spice Up Your Life', and maybe a few others…"

"Let me get this straight: We're having a BAND practice tomorrow, to get ready for our upcoming PERFORMANCE at your cousin's PARTY?" Artemis asked incredulously.

"That's pretty much it!" Naomi replied cheerfully.

"I just joined! I don't even know how to play an instrument! I'm not ready to perform!" the raven-haired teen hissed.

Naomi simply tsk-ed. "Do you know nothing about pop culture? You don't need to play an INSTRUMENT, silly! Just lip-synch along, learn the dance moves, and you'll be fine! Oh, and of course we have to get you fitted for your costume…"

"My what?" Artemis shrieked.

Just then Mrs. Brettany swooped over. "Girls, I would prefer that you not distract the others with this unnecessary noise. Now, please get to work, the both of you!"

Artemis sighed. What the hell had she gotten herself into?

-------------------

(Thursday)

"And a one, and a two, and a one-two-THREE!"

Right on cue the peppy beat started up, echoing throughout the nearly empty garage and emitting from Naomi's very old, battered boom box that had taken all five girls to move out here. The girls struck a pose and Caitlin strutted to the front of the group.

"_I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!"_

The other girls started nodding their heads frenetically in time to the music.

_"So tell me what you want, what you really really want!"_

Artemis bobbed along, slightly desperately. She didn't know the words, she didn't know the moves, and she was dressed in a simply hideous gold lamé glitter pantsuit, with two _horns_ lodged in her hair. Apparently, that was Scary Spice's "signature look".

_"I want a, I want a, I really really really want a zig-a-zag-ah!"_

What Artemis really wanted, at that moment, was an escape route. Yes, these girls were perfectly nice, nearly sane individuals, but if this was their idea of fun, they could count her out. It was highly embarrassing for a Fowl, of all people, to be seen dancing in a gold lamé glitter pantsuit.

_"If you want my future, forget my past; if you wanna get with me, better make it fast!"_

Although Artemis could definitely think of a few reasons for staying. That is, Artemis' horny fourteen-year-old boy mind could think of a few reasons for staying. Four of them, in fact.

The raven-haired girl inconspicuously glanced at the others. Caitlin was dressed as Baby Spice, and accordingly wore a baby blue mini dress and had her hair in big fluffy pigtails secured with lots of sparkly barrettes. Hilary was portraying Posh Spice, in a sleek little black dress and stilettos. Fawny was Ginger Spice, and had died her hair a vibrant red for the occasion. She was decked out in full gear: corset top, miniskirt, and giant platforms with British flags painted on them. And Naomi was, ironically enough, Sporty Spice (considering she didn't participate in any sort of athletics). She wore a black headband, sweatpants and sneakers, but rebelled with a black t-shirt proclaiming "Down With P.E.!"

Artemis mentally slapped himself in disgust. Now she was lecherously eyeing her _friends_? This was so wrong…

_"Now don't go wasting, my precious time; get your act together, we could be just fine!"_

The other four girls broke into wild disco moves, as Artemis hurriedly tried to copy their motions and fell dreadfully behind. She felt so ashamed of her perverted feelings; she was supposed to be a GIRL now!

_"If you want to be my lover… Yeah!"_

The teen sighed and took a bow with the others. That was exactly the problem. She was attracted to all of these girls who had innocently taken her in as a friend and welcomed her into their lives.

But Artemis wasn't so sure she could be _just friends._

-------------------

(Friday)

"Millie, this is my friend Artemis the Second. Artemis, this is my super cousin Millie!"

Artemis smiled politely as Naomi burbled on happily about titles and how cool they were, how excited she was to see Millie, and how Millie had come all the way from Australia. Millie commented on Naomi's recently dyed black hair and reaffirmed that titles were indeed cooler then sliced bread. She then turned to Artemis.

"Did you know 100,000 tiny bits of skin fall of your body every minute?" she asked very seriously, picking at a hole in her worn old jeans and adjusting her 'Canada, Eh?' t-shirt.

"Actually, yes I did," Artemis replied, surprised at the question. "I read it in 'Doctor Newgens Study Of The Human Body Volume One: Skin.'"

Millie's eyes widened. "Me too! So, did you know that Drew Barrymore is the godmother of Kurt Cobain's daughter Frances Bean?"

Artemis smiled and nodded. "Were you aware that the king of hearts is the only king without a moustache, in a deck of playing cards?"

Millie gasped. "Yes! Yes I was aware!"

Naomi smiled and wandered away, leaving them to their conversation. The band didn't go on for another few minutes, so they had some time. Besides, it looked like Artemis Fowl had finally met his match in Random Trivia.

**A/N: To Be Continued… Dun-dun-dun… Will Millie beat Artemis in the final showdown random trivia? Will Artemis perform on stage in a gold lamé pantsuit? Will she let her hormones get the better of her and jump some poor girl before the night is over? Only your reviews, dear readers, will allow me to continue and find out the answers to these burning questions, and more… I'm such a review slut. –KamquatBanana.**


	8. The Demise Of Girl Power

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Just when you thought I'd given up… I pop back up again! Much like herpes! Anyways, I would like to thank you all for continuing to read and warn you that this will only get more random as I go along, although I am attempting to insert some sort of plot… It just won't stick! Also, I may not be able to update very frequently (read: every week) in the next while. What with 5 birthdays, a concert, my super cousin Millie flying in from Australia, and then heading to Toronto to see super cousins Katie and Vicki; I don't think I'll have much time (or computer access!) over the next month… So here's a special little chapter just for you, my holiday present to the lovely fanfic-ers of the world!**

**Thanks to: instant icing mix (Hmm… There's a thought! –Maniacal laughter-), I Am The Krow (Whoop! Name changes are spiffy. I want to change mine, as I made it up last year when I was horribly young and naïve, but I'm afraid no one would recognize me…), Snowy Leopardess (Who would have thunk it? Arty making friends! Lol), Limefly (Mwahaha! By the time I'm done you'll have the entire ALBUM stuck in your head!), Lugian-Holly Before Swine (Hurrah! Odd but good! My mantra!), padfootvfd (YAY! I heard about the movie… Hope they don't screw it up… But the book comes as a welcome surprise!), LadySara05 (Lol yes… And thank you! ), and Tazzel Quickbow (I'm glad I- or rather the plot bunny- amuse you!). -KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: What do you _think_?**

(Friday, continued)

"Artemis!"

Artemis jerked her head up, surprised, and glanced around the crowded room, trying to locate the owner of the voice that had yelled her name.

"ARTEMIS!"

It was Naomi, running towards the other girl frantically, a microphone in her hand. She made a final sprint to where the Irish youth stood, before unceremoniously yanking her arm and towing her away, still jogging along.

"Artemis the Second, we are supposed to be on that stage… NOW!"

The girl genius blinked. Oops. She must have lost track of time, talking to Millie. They had just been discussing the original colour of Coca-cola… Green.

Naomi suddenly paused her relentless pace and sighed remorsefully. "Where is your costume? Never mind; there's not time now… Shame, you looked so pretty in it too…"

The raven-haired teen blinked once gain, unsure of how to feel about this. Definitely relieved. But had a girl really just said she looked pretty? Pretty?

Artemis shook her head as she was pulled onto a brightly lit stage with four other costumed girls; the giant crowd going wild as the drum beat started in the background.

This was so not the time to analyze.

-------------------

_"La, la, la, la, la, la-la… La, la, la, la-la, la-la…_

_When You're Feelin', Sad And Low,_

_We Will Take You, Where You Gotta Go,_

_Smiling, Dancing, Everything Is Free,_

_All You Need Is: Positivity!"_

Artemis sweated vigorously as she jumped along to the beat, mouthing the words through a bright smile and coordinating moves like a pro. The crowd, accordingly, screamed and cheered, singing along word for word.

"Colours Of The World, 

_Spice Up Your Life!_

_Every Boy And Every Girl,_

_Spice Up Your Life!_

_People Of The World,_

_Spice Up Your Life!_

_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"_

Her heart was racing, her blood pumping, and her adrenaline racing as she moved to the pulsating rhythm. God, this was a rush! If she'd known it could be this… exhilarating to take stage, she would have done it long ago. Forget quantum physics, forget executing a master plan… This was the ultimate high!

Well, maybe not forget them completely. She _was_ a Fowl, after all.

"_Slam It To The Left,_

_If You're Havin' A Good Time!_

_Shake It To The Right,_

_If You Know That You Feel Fine!_

_Chicas To The Front,_

_Ha! Ha! And Go Round!"_

However almost all aspects of Fowl breeding were gone as Artemis well and truly slammed and shook to the overwhelmingly girly music. And the best part of it was… She didn't care one bit.

-------------------

"Okay people… This is going to be our last song of the night," Naomi's amplified voice rang out, to the disappointed groans from the crowd, "But you will see us again! Sometime, someplace… We will be back! Now… Hit it!"

_"Happy Birthdayyy to youuu…_

_Happy Birthdayyy to youuu…_

_Happy Birthday Dear Millieee,_

_Happy Birthdayyy to youuu!"_

Artemis beamed exhaustedly as the crowd roared approval.

"Thank you, thank you!" Naomi was saying, "We are… The Spice Girl Fan Club Band!"

More cheering. Artemis took a bow and retreated from the stage, panting slightly, to retrieve her water bottle and perhaps lie down.

"You guys were so great!" Millie enthused as soon as she saw them. "Really! Thanks so much for doing this!"

The girls nodded modestly before wide grins split their faces.

"You think so?" Caitlin asked hesitantly.

"I know so!" Millie replied.

"We totally kicked ass!" Hilary whooped, punching the air with a fist.

"I second the motion!" Fawny added.

"Girl Power!" Naomi yelled, raising her arm. "Go… US!"

The other raised their arms as well, until they had made a sort of tipi of girl power. Artemis cautiously joined them. She might as well get in touch with her feminine side; she'd be using it a lot more from now on… And besides, this whole caring-sharing thing was quite a nice change from her usual lonely lifestyle.

"Hip, hip, hurrah!"

"To girls!"

"To friendship!"

"To sisterhood!"

"To sticking together, no matter what!"

"No boys allowed!"

The others burst into raucous laughter as Artemis turned a rather purple colour. Not for the first time, she felt like some sort of undercover spy, being exposed to all the secrets of womankind… Their bonds, their friendships, and their loyalties… Loyalties that were about to be put to a test.

A tall, slim, and dark-haired fellow eased up to the group, hands casually in his pockets. The air immediately stilled; filled no longer with the merry laughter of friends but the keen appraisal of this handsome intruder. It was suddenly every girl for herself.

"Hellooo, ladies. Thought I might find you here… The gig totally rocked, by the way," Mr. Mysterio said in a gravelly voice. Artermis could practically feel the girls around her swoon, as one. She immediately disliked this guy. Who was he, to come in here and spoil their wonderful little moment of solidarity? Alright, so it was sister solidarity, and Artemis wasn't exactly the sister everyone thought her to be, but this guy had no right! None at all!

"Hiiii, Alex!" Fawny cooed.

"So nice to see you!" Caitlin chimed.

"Lovely," Hilary affirmed.

"Mmm…" Naomi added, staring dreamily.

Artemis shook her head in disgust at her friends. They were throwing themselves at him! Could they _try _to have a little more dignity? Then again, "Alex" seemed perfectly content to have them drool over him, and was, in fact, flashing them all a dazzling smile. Artemis nearly growled. Stupid blighter.

_I only wish it was me, _a voice in her head said wistfully.

"Ah, hello, I haven't met either of you before," Alex was saying amiably, as Artemis snapped back to reality.

"Oh! Haven't I introduced you to the birthday girl, Alex?" Naomi said embarrassedly, flustering slightly. "Alex, my cousin Millie. Millie, my friend Alex." She gestured to both parties before returning to staring dreamily at the latter, cheeks still tinged slightly pink.

"Charmed," Millie said warmly. She, however, seemed immune to the Powers of Alex, and politely smiled back in response to his 100-watt grin. Artemis heaved a sigh of relief. At least someone was sane in this lovesick group.

Just then Alex turned his piercing black gaze to the raven-haired girl herself. "And you are?" he asked charismatically, a twinkle in his eye. "I haven't had the pleasure of being introduced to you yet…"

Artemis returned the stare with her own steely blue orbs, causing Alex to blink somewhat. "Artemis Fowl. The Second," she replied haughtily.

Alex seemed a little lost before regaining his composure and slipping into another blinding smile. "The Second? Any plans for a third?"

The majority of the group (Fawny, Caitlin, Hilary and Naomi) broke into hysterical laughter, as though he had just told the funniest joke in the world.

"That's just what I said!" Naomi exclaimed delightedly.

Alex grinned at her before turning back to Artemis, leaning in ever so slightly with an intense look in his eye. "It's _very_ nice to meet you, Artemis Fowl The Second. I do hope you'll take me up on my offer sometime."

Before Artemis could spit back a reply ("No way in hell!"), he was gone, leaving only a faint smell of manly cologne. The others sighed; as though a chocolate bar that had just been waved under their noses had now vanished.

"So nice to catch up with him again," Naomi murmured smittenly.

"Yes," Fawny, Caitlin, and Hilary sighed.

Millie snorted, breaking them out of their daze. "Come on guys, you still have to change out of your costumes, and there's a piece of cake just waiting with your name on it!"

The four girls sighed before slowly moving towards the changing room, going about their lives once more. The magic was gone. The innocence was dead. The girl-power, positive, upbeat, sisterhood had evaporated in the space of a few short minutes.

That's just what happens when you add a y chromosome to the mix.

**A/N: Bwahaha. Slowly, a plot emerges… So hopefully I will post again soon-ish… If not, hopefully you will bear with me and stick it out until I get off my lazy arse and write the next chapter, which shall deal with important matters such as jealous friends, flirtatious guys, and… Sno-cones? You know you love it! –KamquatBanana.**


	9. When Poison Apples Go Sour

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: I'm backkkkkkk! After a short and altogether too eventful holiday break, but hey, you can't have everything… Actually I have no idea where I'm going with this story anymore; I welcome your feedback and ideas as I'm pretty much blindly wandering around with a vague sense of where I'm going and an odd sense of humor. I'm also beginning several –NEW- stories, which I hope to post relatively soon… Mostly Harry Potter; mostly slash; mostly smutty… If it's not your thing, don't read it . . And of course I must thank all of you lovely reviewing elves who prodded me in the right direction (keyboard forward) once again. Here's a slightly longer then usual chapter, to make up for the extensive update time…**

**Thanks to: padfootvfd (To answer your questions: not telling; yes; and I have no clue!), I Am The Krow (Uh oh indeed! Aww yay I feel so… huggled!), Heather (Thanks indeedy!), Limefly (YES you may kill him; I'll help…), jenn120 (Thanks so much ), NC Ace (Lol, don't worry… I haven't actually participated in that much girliness either! I just figure if Arty's going to be a girl, hell, I'm making him a GIRL), Tarnished Secret (YAY! Henceforth, I appoint you my special friend! Anyone who mentions flamethrowers is more then worthy of the title…), J. Dawnwolf (I fear Artemis Fowl would forever be singing "Somewhere Only The Rainbow" if I truly DID own the series… Not to mention wearing a petticoat… O) and Tazzel Quickbow (EEEeeee! –Smarfs cookie. Realizes "smarfs" isn't a real word. Shrugs-).**

**-KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: If you don't own it and you know it clap your hands! –CLAP! CLAP! –**

(Saturday)

Artemis awoke at a leisurely pace, basking in the quiet solitude of her master bedroom. Saturday. A day completely free of crowded hallways, pushy peers and emotional trauma, not to mention boy trouble.

Or so she thought.

Slipping on a pair of her mother's fluffy slippers (which she wouldn't have been caught dead in before the "gender incident", as Artemis now referred to it in her mind), the girl genius slowly made her way downstairs, stretching luxuriously.

"Arty, dear, is that you up? There's someone on the phone for you!" Angelina Fowl's cheerful voice called from the direction of the living room. As Artemis sleepily padded over and picked up the mobile, she caught her mother's excited whisper of, "It sounds like a _boy_!"

Feeling as though she had plunged from a heavenly dream to a violent nightmare, the Irish youth reluctantly put the receiver to her ear, dreading the voice that would, inevitably, come from the other side.

"Hello?"

"Well hello, Artemis _The Second. _So nice to hear your lovely voice again," a smooth male voice remarked, altogether too charmingly. The girl genius could only sigh as her suspicions were confirmed. Her visions of a relaxing, pleasant weekend had just been flushed down the toilet.

"Alex, how did you obtain this number and what is your motive for using it?"

"Ouch! Someone sounds a little snappy! Did you just get up on the wrong side of the bed today, or are you always this fierce?"

His tone was light and joking; but Artemis wanted to snap his neck in half all the same.

"No. I merely wonder at how one's personal sanctuary can be breached with the simple act of dialing seven numbers. Now I'll ask once more, politely: how did you come upon this number?"

"At ease, soldier!"

Artemis growled, causing Alex to continue on hurriedly.

"Uh… Naomi gave it to me and asked me to call you, because we're all hanging out at the mall today and she wanted you there, too. She would call you herself, but apparently her cell phone just conked out. So, since I was right there, holding a mobile… I thought I'd be your knight in shining armor. Will you do me the blessing of attending the mall with me, fair maiden?"

Artemis sighed exasperatedly. This was _just _what she needed. Some prat going all medieval chivalry on her.

"Who else is there?" she asked tiredly.

"Myself, Naomi, her cousin, Fawny, Hilary, Caitlin, some other people… The whole gang. C'mon. You know you want to."

The raven-haired teen felt an inner battle raging in her mind. The logical part of her brain, which took up largely 99, was calmly telling her that under no circumstances should she even think about deserting her peaceful solitary state to run amok in a shopping mall, which she detested, with Alex, who she detested even further. But a defiant 1 was persisting something else, for reasons Artemis could not even begin to comprehend. Or perhaps that she just didn't want to. She seemed unfathomably caught up in the thought of the entire 'gang' being there.

"Alright," the young millionaire sighed eventually. "I suppose I would be able to…er… 'hang' sometime this afternoon. Say around one 'o clock?"

"Sweet," Alex replied approvingly. "I'll be seeing you then. Gotta go now, I've got an important phone call to put in for some manager dude… I'm starting my own band, did you know? The Poison Apples?"

"Bye, Alex," Artemis said dryly.

"Bye then, Arty."

"Alex?"

"Yeah Arty?"

"Don't. Call. Me. Arty."

SLAM.

-------------------

_… BLOWOUT BACK-TO-SCHOOL SALE…_

_…All Merchandise Reduced Fifty Percent…_

_…Up To Five Dollars Of When You Purchase…_

_…BUY! BUY! BUY!…_

Artemis shuddered as she drifted through the packed crowd at the Micaville Shopping Centre, a testimony to the ruthless consumerism that had overtaken her generation. Blocking out the obnoxious slogans and vulgar displays from her mind, the girl genius silently searched the mob for any sign of 'the gang'.

She'd arrived punctually at one PM sharp, dressed in her new distressed jeans and a carefully layered combination of t-shirts. If she didn't know any better, she might have thought she was trying to impress someone.

But that was just plain ridiculous.

Abruptly a flash of familiar bright red hair caught her eye, and then through a parting in the horde of shoppers she saw Fawny, Hilary, Millie, Naomi and Caitlin sitting by the water fountain, laughing and tossing coins in over their shoulders. Smiling in relief, she made her way over to where they sat and perched at an empty spot on their bench.

"Hi," she exclaimed almost shyly. The others turned to her joyfully.

"Hey!"

"G'day Mate!"

"Greetings!"

"Welcome!"

"Glad you could make it!"

They all, except for Hilary, kept their eyes closed as they greeted her, their fingers still clutching pennies in hand.

"Take a penny, close your eyes, and make a wish," Naomi intoned solemnly, eyes firmly shut, holding the coin out for the other girl. "If it hits the bell, town legend has it that it'll come true."

Artemis, amused by the conviction in her voice, accepted the offered penny and shut her eyes, reflecting on what she most wanted out of life, at that very moment.

Her mother and father were safe and the family fortune secure. Life, although not grand, certainly wasn't horrible. The only thing Artemis missed, the only thing she wished she could change, was herself.

She wanted to be her rightful self again. _His_ rightful self again.

Didn't she?

"Commencing countdown to sacrificial toss," Naomi said gravely, interrupting the raven-haired teen's thoughts.

"Three…"

She wanted back.

"Two…"

Surely she wanted back.

"One…"

Didn't she want back?

"TOSS!"

Confused, doubtful, and strangely torn, Artemis released her penny into the air, feeling her various emotions struggling to take control; to overthrow the others and settle as one unified feeling. Her hand wobbled slightly as the small coin left her grasp, and she could practically feel it tilting, diving, swooping; as out-of-control as her emotions.

The others hurriedly opened their eyes and whirled around to watch the currency fly through the air, their hopes contained on the simple fall of a small penny. Then, with a tiny 'plink', the coins showered into the pond; every one of them failing to hit the shiny golden bell high atop the marble fountain.

Artemis was still turned around, eyes shut, her mind a battle of conflicting sensations. She barely noticed her penny drop, after wildly spinning through the air, onto the head of an elderly gentleman seated nearby. She didn't particularly care.

Finally, an emotion had settled upon her. Confusion.

-------------------

"Sno-cones are on me!"

Artemis sighed as an annoyingly tall figure loped over to the small group, disturbing what had, up until then, been a rather good time, even by _her _standards. In just one hour she'd managed to buy a pair of fringed cowboy boots, stripy tights, a pleated plaid skirt, a t-shirt with neon muffins dancing on the front, and several sparkly bangles; not to mention a voluminous tome on ancient civilizations and their languages

So much for her hatred of the mall.

"Seriously, my treat, girls. I figure I can take a few risks, now that I'm anticipating cash flow, what with the band and all…" he announced casually, handing them each a brilliantly-coloured sno-cone with a saintly expression.

Artemis rolled her eyes at Alex's transparency, and then at her friend's eagerness to eat it all up and feed his hungry little ego.

"Ooh! You have a _band_?"

"Seriously?"

"What's it called?"

"Who's in it?"

Alex mussed his hair up in a practiced, I'm-too-cool-for-a-comb sort of sweep and answered their questions in a casual tone that suggested boredom.

"Me and a couple a' guys sort of came together recently… We're calling ourselves the Poison Apples, as in Snow White and all that shit. We've already written a few songs, actually… My favorite is 'Corpse's Shadow', but 'Bloody Remains' has a good rhythm going for it…"

The girl genius could only watch in disbelief as her friends sat, puppy-eyed, lapping up every bit of it. Surely they didn't find this at all _interesting_? Surely they could see through Alex' lame cool-band-dude façade?

Apparently not. Apparently it was up to her.

"Hmm… That's great that you're getting involved in music, Alex. What exact instrument did you say you play, again?"

The boy in question swung towards her, surprised by this sudden questioning of his talents and slightly befuddled. "Well… Uh… Actually… I'm on vocals."

This confirmed what Artemis already knew: that he was nothing more then a pretty face, schmoozing his way through life on his good looks while screaming into a mike like a dying animal, no doubt.

However, it seemed to have the opposite effect on the others. If anything, they leaned in closer, their expressions almost worshipful.

"You mean you're the _front man_?"

"The _lead singer_?"

"Wow!"

"Can you sing for us now?"

Alex smiled pompously. The git. "We-ell… I suppose I could sing a little of 'Road Kill Love'…"

Artemis could no longer sit and listen. Excusing herself quietly, she strode towards the public washrooms, dropping her melting sno-cone purposefully in the trash bin as she walked by.

-------------------

A few minutes later (after Artemis had successfully found the correct washroom, following a humiliating dash out of the men's room), the raven-tressed teen glanced up to find Millie entering the washroom by herself, looking slightly ill.

"Is everything okay?" Artemis asked concernedly.

"Yeah… I'm just a bit Alex-ed out, that's all," the Aussie answered wearily, mirroring the Irish teen's thoughts. A smile twitched at the corners of her mouth. "I reckon we should comb down his hair when he's not looking sometime."

Artemis laughed in approval. "Or maybe we could suddenly feign extreme interest in him. That would no doubt highly confuse his fragile mind."

The two girls looked at each other. Pretended to think it over for a moment, and then shook their heads simultaneously.

"Too much effort!"

They both burst out in ungainly laughter, rather red in the face and panting, but having too much fun to care about the disapproving stares coming from the elderly woman washing her hands nearby.

"Let's rip up his lyrics!"

"Let's give him a makeover!"

"Let's throw him in the fountain!"

"Let's cut his recorded voice track during a live band performance!"

They were at the uncontrollable stage of jollity now, tears streaming down their faces as they clenched their heaving sides.

It was at this precise moment that Naomi entered the bathroom.

Taking in the breathless, chuckling girls, the glaring old woman and the general air of disquiet in the bathroom, she said carefully, "Hey guys… What's happening?"

Artemis struggled to compose herself and maintain an air of dignity. She failed miserably. "H-h-h-i!" she snorted, wiping her nose on her sleeve and trying to suppress the laughter rising up inside of her once more. "We were just… We were just…"

"We were just discussing methods of castrating Alex! Care to join the club?" Millie finished gleefully, causing the two to break into raucous snickering all over again. Naomi looked from one to the other in utter bewilderment.

"Seriously?"

Muffled giggles answered her well enough. "He's not all that bad once you get to know him… Really!" she defended mildly.

"Surrrre, Nao…" Millie retorted sarcastically. "We all know you just want to get in his pants!"

Flushing a dark pink to match the streaks in her hair, the other girl stammered, "I don't- I never- I haven't-"

"Oh we know you haven't," Millie continued. "That's why you can't see that he's an utter fool. Sleep with him, get it out of your system, and move on; because puppy love is _so_ last year." And with that, she strode out of the restroom, chuckling merrily.

Once she had stopped blushing such a profuse maroon, Naomi resignedly sighed, "She's always been able to pry into my innermost thoughts. It's a gift of sorts. That, and I have a lousy poker face."

Artemis smiled shyly. For some reason, she felt nervous again; as though one lovesick teenage girl was more then she could handle all at once. Which it was, actually.

"So you do… um… like… Alex, then?" she stuttered inarticulately, mentally slapping herself. Surely one of the most highly developed minds of all time could manage to construct a simple sentence? "I mean… as more then… well, you know… like a friend-type person?"

Apparently not.

Naomi only sighed wistfully in response, a sigh that somehow managed to convey everything that needed to be said in one mournful gust of air.

"Right then…" Artemis continued awkwardly. "Well… I suppose that's… good. Well not really good, but you know… um… okay. Because everyone's entitled to their own… er… decisions of the heart, so to say… Not that I don't think it's good. Alex is certainly… erm… special…? But what I mean to say is… um…"

She stumbled, at a loss for words. Naomi's still lightly pink-tinged face was turned towards hers in a look of part amusement, part amazement, her mouth twisted into a wry grin, her lips tinted blue from the half-eaten sno-cone she still lazily held in one hand, as she slowly brought it up to her mouth and licked it, waiting expectantly for Artemis to continue.

She found she couldn't. Her tongue was rather uselessly flopping around in her mouth, as she watched the other girl (messily) consume the melting frozen treat, her innocent gaze trained on Artemis.

"Want some?" she asked thoughtfully, misinterpreting the raven-haired teen's gaze. She carefully held out the dripping, neon blue sno-cone, licking her lips contentedly.

Artemis passionately shook her head no. Therapy was starting to seem like a mighty good idea.

"Oh. Okay," Naomi shrugged comfortably. "I'll just finish it off, then." And so saying, she shoved the entire thing, cone and all, into her mouth, chewed once, and swallowed; looking perfectly content.

"Kids these days!" harrumphed the disgruntled old woman, who had in fact been standing behind them the whole time in the pretense of drying her hands, and was now seemingly finished. As she stomped out of the restroom, she turned back to remark gruffly:

"Why, in my day, we just kissed 'em, and that was that!"

Artemis gulped.

**A/N: Tee-hee. Notice the double entendre of the old lady's words? Not that she intended it, of course. SoooOOooo the question becomes: Millie or Nao? And what of Alex? And when ARE the Fairy People ever returning? Soon enough, soon enough… I promise. As for next chapter, I have two words for you: Psychological Evaluation. YAY! –KamqautBanana.**


	10. Therapy, Anyone?

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Bleh… My creative inspiration seems to have jumped out the window on me lately… Sorrysorrysorry for not updating sooner! I'm still rather confused about the plotline of this story, but I'll muddle through and hopefully it will make some sort of odd sense. CUPCAKES TO ALL WHO REVIEWED; I love you people more then dancing technicolour kittens in tutus! That's right; THAT MUCH. **

**Thanks to: Snowy Leopardess (Isn't it odd how the hardest truths often come with the prettiest faces… ), jenn120 (Thanks again!), Tarnished Secret (Lol, poor Artemis indeed… Wait until I'm through with him! XD), LandUnderWave (Hmm, I'll check it out! Any other suggestions? I'm home sick and really need good books…), Ginji Of Thunder (Permission to eat sugar? ACCEPTED!), Tazzel Quickbow (Making up words is fun… My personal favorite is "insanitorium"), NC Ace (Flattery will get you… UPDATES! Hurrah), Steeple333 (Oops… Not really following the correct biological story here . … And yes, Alex is stupid ), padfootvfd (Argh, school. It just takes up valuable time that we could be using to read and update fanfics… THANK GOD FOR CAFFEINE), and elvengirl9 (Scary but good? Just what I was aiming for! ). -KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope.**

(Sunday)

Artemis awoke early and clear-headed. She quickly showered (modestly averting her eyes, as she was still enormously uncomfortable with certain aspects of the 'new' Artemis) and dressed Fowl-casual in black pinstriped pants and a matching blazer (Juliet shook her head reprovingly, but the raven-haired girl paid no heed. She was still, after all, Artemis Fowl II). More and more since the… incident… the teen had felt herself drifting away from her former self. This both disturbed and excited her, in the way that a new haircut might.

Except that instead of a haircut, she had an entirely new gender to worry about.

She'd analyzed the situation and found that she'd been relaxing far too much in the last few days, and it was becoming a major concern. If she carried on this way -going to parties, singing in a band, hanging at the mall, buying things that _sparkled_, for God's sake- she might just lose herself completely, and the scariest part was that she didn't know whether she ought to burst into tears or clap her hands for joy at the thought.

So, she had decided. She would revert to familiar ways, for the time being, mostly to set her at ease as she carried out the next stage of her self-prescribed therapy. Generally, she held any sort of psychologist-voodoo-nonsense in the lowest disregard. However, desperate times called for desperate measures.

It was time to seek professional help.

-------------------

"So. You say you've been having these feelings for some time now, Ms…"

"Fowl. Artemis Fowl."

Artemis sighed exasperatedly as the stuffy woman seated across from her riffled through her papers, completely ignoring her client once again. She'd already been here for an hour, at least, with absolutely no progress. Everything the teen girl said seemed to go in one ear and out the other of Mrs. Pompendale, her registered psychotherapist. Including Artemis' name.

"Right… So you've been having these feelings for some time, combined with a severe headache and… And… I'm sorry, what else did you say you were experiencing, Ms. Poultry?

Artemis mentally groaned. "Insomnia. I said I was experiencing insomnia. And it's Fowl, not Poultry."

"Yes, yes of course Ms. Pullet… Well, I don't think there's anything particularly out of the ordinary about your case… Have you ever heard of the term 'homosexual'?"

Artemis grit her teeth. "Yes, but I am _not_ homosex-"

Mrs. Pompendale leaned forward and patted the other girl's knee in what she no doubt considered a comforting gesture.

"Now dear, it's hard for some people to come to terms with their sexuality, but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It's natural for some to be in denial, of course, but you really must accept that-"

"You don't understand, I'm really not-"

"Now don't go making excuses; you must recognize your inner self-"

"But I'm actually-"

"Gay? That's okay! In fact, it's perfectly normal-"

"No! I'm not a-"

"Heterosexual? Or maybe your bisexual? That's okay too, you know-"

"STOP!"

Mrs. Pompendale stopped mid-speech, her face flustering a mauve colour at this rude interruption. She adjusted her thick, no-nosense spectacles and patted her graying hair in its wispy bun, steadying herself.

"Now Ms. Capon, I really must insist that you do not yell in such an impudent manner-"

"STOP! Just stop right now, you clucking old hen!"

The woman in question gasped and fluttered her hands nervously, about to exclaim. However, her face suddenly took on a sympathetic look, and she gazed at her troubled client in deep understanding, which was in fact misunderstood.

"Now dear," she said gently, "It's natural for you to be a bit upset at this stage, and I know you want to take your anger out on me, but-"

This was almost more then Artemis could take at this point.

"Will you please SHUT UP for a minute and LISTEN to me, you tottering nitwit! I am NOT gay, although in present circumstances I may as well be. I cannot explain my entire situation to you, as no doubt your weak brain could not comprehend even a FRACTION of it, but it is suffice to say that I, Artemis Fowl II, am fully heterosexual and entirely uncomfortable in my current position. I mean, who would ENJOY being in love with their BEST FRIEND, who has absolutely no idea and doesn't even LIKE GIRLS? Especially when they're not even a girl, but through unfortunate events happened to LOOK LIKE one? D'arvit, I'm so SICK and TIRED of being judged by my exterior! Why can't anyone TELL that something's wrong; that this IS NOT me? It's not me! That… That is all I have to say."

Breathing heavily, fists clenched, Artemis took a seat once more, to glare wearily at the speechless woman opposite. And yet, as she surveyed the pink-pantsuit clad counselor seated behind the large mahogany desk, she noticed something that had remained hidden for the duration of her session, something only visible to her now: a gleam of sharp intelligence in the aged woman's eye.

"Thank you, Ms. Fowl," Mrs. Pompendale announced serenely, scribbling down some notes on her handheld palm pilot. "I believe we've finally made some progress. I'll be seeing you next week, then."

Stunned, Artemis mutely stood and trudged towards the door. Had she, with the highest IQ in all Ireland, really just been outwitted? And by a mere shrink?

Well. It seems she might finally have some respect for the profession.

**A/N: Eep… Sorry for shortness of chapter and lack of humor… Although their was some nice Arty-going-nutso torture involved . I'm just quickly posting this before I forget/tire of the whole thing/drop dead from exhaustion, etc. Update soon to come, involving more twisted Arty/Alex/Naomi/Millie, I swear. Still can't decide whom Arty should live happily ever after with, though… That's the problem with using real people as characters, I guess! –KamquatBanana.**


	11. Party Animals: Part One

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Ew. I suck. Feel free to pelt me with fish. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET THIS STORY WITHER FOR SO LONG! . To tell the truth, it wasn't that high on my list of priorities, so I kept putting it off, only to forget all about it. It was only thanks to you extremely wonderful reviewers that I crawled out from under my rock at all. Seriously. SooOoooo if anyone's still reading this, I hope I can continue to entertain in the form of some good old fashioned Arty-torture! Because really, who –doesn't- love watching poor little Arty suffer?**

**Thanks to: ALL OF YOUUUUUUUUUUU! Apparently I'm not allowed to write out all the names now? Ah well, I send giant hugs and cookies your way; YOU ARE MY EVERYTHINGGGGGG. -KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: Doot-Dootle-Loot-Doo… DOO-DOO. Er… Don't-Don't!**

Holly Short was starting to feel concerned. It had been weeks since she'd heard from Artemis, or even caught a glimpse of the mud b- er, girl. Since the plasma TV screen had busted (shortly after the sleepover episode), the fairies hadn't been able to watch the day-to-day happenings of Artemis, resulting in a disappointing lack of entertainment. Holly had assumed that the Irish millionaire, being the genius she was, would put the pieces together and realize the fairies were involved in her new 'make over', but noooo, she was far too busy primping in front of the mirror or gadding off with new friends to form IDEAS. As a result, the fairies were sorely out of touch with their aboveground correspondent, and it was beginning to piss Holly off.

Why should she care what happened to little-miss-mastermind? She had gotten herself into this mess, what with kidnapping Commander Ark Sool and all. She should get herself out of it.

But Holly couldn't help feeling the slightest bit responsible, and yes, the tiniest bit guilty. Had they been a wee bit too harsh on Artemis? After all, it wasn't as though the mud teenager had actually hurt anyone. And a sex change was a pretty drastic punishment… What if Arty was taking it badly? What if she needed help and had no way of reaching out?

Holly sighed and started packing her bag. It was time to pay a visit to a certain raven-haired girl genius.

Damn her soft-heartedness.

-------------------

The cause of Holly's concern was, at that moment, giggling in a rather undignified manner as she danced around on top of someone's kitchen table, wearing Fawny's nurse outfit and a pair of cat ears.

Naturally, the girl genius was extremely drunk.

The remnants of the Armani suit she had arrived in were scattered on the floor; the only sign of their ever having been worn by Artemis was the loosened necktie swinging from her open collar. She had arrived suited up primly and properly, at precisely eight o' clock. Millie had phoned her up and invited her to the party, hosted by some kid from school no one really knew and no one really cared to. It was the sort of thing Artemis loathed; a huge gang of wasted idiots yelling over the booming music and making absolute fools of themselves. But she eventually relented when told that Fawny, Naomi, Hilary and Caitlin would be there, as well as Millie herself. Alex fortunately could not make it, and that may have been what swung Artemis into agreement. Besides, her therapist had told her that she needed to get out more.

So here she was, shaking her groove thing for all to see. She'd lost the suit about half way through the night, and some time after her third cup of spiked punch. Not that she'd realized there was anything more potent in it than concentrated fruit juice, until her vision started to dodge about on her and she realized the floor was moving away from her.

"Go Arty! Go Arty!"

Someone was cheering her on, clapping and chanting her name. Artemis peered blurrily at the crowd and saw Millie in the center, whooping loudly. A small crowd was gathering now, to watch, Artemis supposed. She grinned like a lunatic and danced harder. A few other started to cheer. Artemis beamed. They liked her! They really liked her!

And then Millie was on top of the table too. They were dancing and dancing and the people were cheering and Artemis felt a rush to her brain, like the first time she went on stage. Adrenaline pumped through her veins and Artemis felt more alive then she ever had sitting in front of a computer, or skulking in a corner. She was in the center of the universe now, and she was loving every second of it.

Oh yes, Artemis was having an extremely hard time of being a girl.

-------------------

Holly had been tracking down the mud girl for the past hour, with no luck. After quitting the LEP recon squad, she'd been somewhat limited in her access to cutting-edge technology. No fancy scanners here. She was stuck with a rusty old helmet and her own good sense.

Obviously she'd gone to Fowl Manor first. It at first appeared that not only was Artemis out for the night, but the entire household had up and left, however upon further investigation Holly found Butler sipping tea in the study. He informed her that yes, Artemis had left for the night with some friends, and that Mr. and Mrs. Fowl were out to dinner to celebrate their first wedding anniversary in the last few years that involved both of them alive and sane, together. Juliet was apparently also out with friends, having been released from bodyguard duty tonight.

Holly frowned. She had to phrase this delicately, soliciting an answer without alerting Butler to any knowledge she may have of certain matters. "So, erm… How has Artemis been lately? She sounds… different."

Butler quirked an eyebrow and stirred his tea thoughtfully. "Well, if you're referring to the fact that she's out with friends instead of glued to her technology back at home, I suppose so. Artemis has actually been making quite a few new friends recently, since attending her new school. It's good to see her interacting with others her age. Unusual, but good nonetheless."

"Hmm… Yes… And have you, uh, noticed any other changes in her? Does she seem at all unhappy?"

It was Butler's turn to frown. "Not particularly. She actually seems rather happy, apart from a few mood swings. I assume that's normal for a teenage girl?"

Holly sighed. "Right, of course. Sorry for the interrogation. I just… worry. She hasn't been in contact recently, and I… Well I starting to feel anxious."

The large man smiled serenely and finished his tea. "Perfectly understandable. Artemis unplugged from the computer and on the loose is enough to make anyone nervous."

-------------------

The night had progressed into a swirling whirl of colour and sound. There was too much for Artemis' brain to hold, and thoughts kept spilling out of her head and flying away, never to be found again. She told this to Millie, who was sitting next to her on the couch.

"MyheadshflyingawayandIcantshtopitttt."

Millie laughed and patted her on the back. "Let it go then."

Artemis smiled goofily and leaned back against the couch. The ceiling was an odd colour. Sort of a green-ish puke offset by lime, with peeling cracks off to the side. It made her feel rather queasy, actually.

Suddenly her attention was diverted by a figure looming over her, smelling just as repellant as the last time they had met.

"Alright there, ladies?"

Artemis shuddered. Alex? But he wasn't supposed to be here… Was he? Her thoughts were so liquid-y and muddled that she couldn't be sure.

"Hi Alex." Millie remarked diffidently. "What are you doing here? I thought you couldn't make it."

Alex swept his hair back and tried to shoot a charming smile at the two girls, which only succeeded in making them reel back a bit. "Ah, well. My band- you know, the Poison Apples?- cancelled practice for the night, so I thought I'd swing by for the remainder of the night, see how you girls are doing. The backup guitarist is having a major meltdown you know, saying that I'm diverting all the attention from him, which is so not true so I was like dude--"

"Um. Yeah. Fascinating," Millie cut in. "Anyway, I have to… Go over there now. Coming Artemis?"

Artemis staggered upwards. The room was slightly tilted, standing up.

"How'd the little lady like to go for a spin around the dance floor?" Alex's voice rang out, but before the words could register she felt his hand gripping hers and towing her into the pulsating throb of people. And then they were spinning, and she couldn't find Millie, and she felt sick and hot and tired.

The last thing she remembered before passing out was Alex's face looming close to hers, his breath hot and beery on her face.

And then the world went very, very, dark.

-------------------

Holly was growing more agitated by the second. She had failed to locate the mud girl in any of her usual haunts, and no one seemed to know exactly where she'd gone. As time progressed and the night grew steadily darker, she felt the worry increase.

Where could Artemis be? It wasn't like the genius to disappear without a trace in the middle of the night. Holly wasn't even sure why she cared, except for an overwhelming sense that Artemis may be in trouble and she was responsible for causing such upheaval in her life. She just wanted to find Artemis and see if she was okay. And then… Maybe they'd talk about the whole gender issue.

But first, she had to find her.

**A/N: THE SUSPENSE! Don't worry, I've already got the next chapter mostly typed out… Further posting tomorrow! And now I must go to bed, since it is past two o' clock in the morning and I can't type properly anymore. Night all! –KamquatBanana.**


	12. Party Animals: Part Two

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: I promised you another chapter, and here be it, in all of it's glory! I'll spare you from another long rambling Author's Note this time and just say that things are finally starting to wind down a bit now and there may not be many more chapters… We are approaching final countdown! -KamqautBanana**

**DISCLAIMER: I AM Eoin Colfer. Fear me. **

…**Or not.**

_Lights were dancing in front of Artemis' eyes, flashing periodically in an otherwise dark and crowded room. She gazed around to find herself still at the party, only there was no music and no people she recognized, just a faceless mob surrounding her, dancing to an imaginary beat. Confused, the teen began to push through the crowd, searching for a familiar face in the throng of unknown partiers. Slowly she made headway to the center of the pack, where the others edged away to give her a circle of space._

_Standing in the midst of this strange congregation, she suddenly noticed a tall figure looming over her; an oddly familiar scent encompassing him and tingling her senses. Her sense of danger, that is._

_"Alright there ladies?" the being remarked in an overly charming voice. Artemis scowled as she realized just who this stranger was, and why the overpowering cologne was strangely familiar to her. She opened her mouth to make some snappy remark, only to find that she could not speak, despite her best attempts. She was mouthing the words but they wouldn't come out, rendering her completely and utterly mute._

_"How'd the little lady like to go for a spin around the dance floor?" Alex continued, seemingly unaware of her plight. Artemis' eye twitched. HOW 'BOUT NOT! she screamed, but of course no one heard. Suddenly she found herself swirling around in a crowd of people, as Alex gripped her hand in a vice-like grip and swung her around. She felt sick with the heat and noise in the room, the overpowering stench of his cologne, the dizzy spinning and his sweaty hand still attached to hers, keeping her prisoner in this overcrowded room. It was all happening again. She thought she might be in hell._

_Faces swum by: Hilary, Fawny, Caitlin, Millie, Naomi…. She found she could see them quite clearly among the faceless blobs. She struggled to reach out to them; to pull away from her overzealous dance partner, but she didn't have the strength to. And yet she felt there was something she desperately needed to tell them, something that could not wait one more second._

_The music stopped, and Artemis was relieved to feel herself stop spinning. Gradually the room came back into focus. The first thing she saw was Alex, peering closely at her face. He was altogether too near to her. She saw his coy smile and heard him whisper, "A kiss for the fair maiden? Why certainly, this knight will oblige." And then he was leaning in closer, puckering his lips like a little baby about to cry and placing his hands on her face and…_

_Artemis screamed. Her mouth formed a giant 0 as she screamed and screamed and screamed, in horror, revulsion, fear, and disgust. But no one heard. No one even turned around._

_And then she felt herself change. She wasn't sure how, or why, but she knew something was happening to her. She was undergoing some sort of transformation._

_Alex opened his eyes a split second before there lips met. His eyes widened. And then _he_ screamed, a horribly unmanly screech that echoed off the walls. As fast as he had come he was gone, vanished into thin air._

_The last thing Artemis saw was the look on her friends' faces. It was a look of shock and horror, and fear, and betrayal._

_And then she woke up. _

Artemis gasped as her eyes flew open, causing the bright early morning sunshine to nearly blind her. Her heart was racing and her head was throbbing dangerously, threatening to explode.

"Ow," she managed to croak, forcing the word out of her parched throat. Instantly she felt something cool and wet press against her forehead, soothing and startling her all at the same time. The coolness eased a tiny fraction of the throbbing.

"Shh," a light voice whispered. "Try not to speak until I've got some liquids in you. And whatever you do, don't move."

Befuddled and more then a little hung over, Artemis obeyed. Soon she felt a blissfully icy drink trickled into her mouth, which she swallowed gratefully. It burned down the length of her throat, quenching that horrid dry feeling.

"'Ank you," she rasped with slightly more feeling.

"Your welcome," the voice replied. "You look awful, by the way."

Light pink hair hung down, tickling Artemis' face. She forced her eyes open to slits and found Naomi crouched over her, holding a damp cloth to her forehead and squinting at Artemis in the bright light.

"You must have been awfully smashed."

Artemis nodded blearily and made a mental note. Alcohol is not your friend. Never drink from an unattended punch bowl.

"I saw you at one point in the night, dancing on top of the table. Nice moves, by the way."

Artemis winced. She'd forgotten about that particular event. She'd forgotten a lot about last night, actually.

"Did I… did I do anything else?" she asked wearily, afraid to hear the reply. Naomi just smiled.

"I think you'd better have some coffee before I tell you."

Artemis heartily accepted the steaming mug handed to her and attempted to sit up.

"Ow, ow ow! D'arvit OW!"

"I did tell you not to move," Naomi said gravely.

The raven-haired teen huffed and managed to maneuver herself into a semi-upright position, kneeling against what appeared to be a bed. For the first time she recognized her surroundings. It was Naomi's bedroom, home of the long-ago sleepover. It appeared to have been transformed into a makeshift hospital room, complete with a little cot and blanket, and even a handy barf bag.

Artemis gripped the warm mug closer to her and, taking a sip (Ah… Heaven!), asked again, "What exactly happened at that party?"

Naomi paused to think. "We-ell… I didn't see much of you at the beginning, because I was upstairs with the rest of the girls. I'm not really much of a party animal," she confessed, "I mostly stay away from the crowds. So I didn't really see you until your suit was on the ground and you were on the table."

Artemis grimaced further and took a long gulp of her drink. Naomi continued, "The cat ears were a nice touch, I thought. And the dancing was… er… well, it looked like a lot of fun, at any rate. I'm guessing you'd tried the punch at that point?"

Artemis nodded mutely.

"I kind of thought so. The next time I saw you, you were talking to a bunch of older kids I didn't know. I think you called one of them a troll. They got pretty angry at that point, but you skipped away at that moment, fortunately. Then you made a brief reappearance in a lampshade, before talking animatedly to the plant for several minutes."

Artemis blinked. Oh God. It all felt vaguely familiar… Images were coming back to her now…

"Then you settled down and talked to Millie for awhile. I relaxed then, because I knew you'd be okay with her. But then Alex came swooping out of nowhere and started dancing with you."

Artemis' brain pounded harder. The dream. It was all coming together now. Oh no oh no oh no…

"I started walking towards you to help you out. You looked like you were having a right awful time of it, and starting to sway a bit. No one knew how much you had had to drink, but we started to worry then. And then Alex… He… He sort of leant in towards you…"

Oh no oh no oh no…

"He looked all serious and intent, and you were staggering in one place…"

Oh no oh no oh no…

"And then…"

"Yes…?" Artemis breathed.

"You… You threw up on him."

"Oh."

Artemis wasn't sure whether she should feel relieved or mortified. On one hand, she'd thrown up in front of a bunch of people she didn't know. On the other hand, she'd avoided kissing Alex, and really, who deserved to be puked on more? Relieved won over humiliated.

"Well thank God for small mercies," she sighed.

Naomi did her beat to stifle a laugh. "I don't think he'll be putting the moves on you any longer."

"And I couldn't be happier," Artemis retorted. Suddenly she remembered something. "Wait… I thought you, um, you know, 'liked' Alex?"

Naomi's expression quickly turned stormy. Artemis had the feeling she'd stuck her foot in a hornet's nest.

"Yes… Well… I did."

There was a moment of silence. Artemis decided to gently prod her along.

"But?"

"But… Well, let's just say, you weren't the only one he out the moves on that night."

Artemis nodded, waiting for the full story. Sure enough, it came out.

"Earlier, when me and the girls were upstairs, he corralled me into one of the rooms. He started saying all this crap about how he really liked me and I was always the one, and then he tried to kiss me."

Artemis felt her blood starting to boil.

"I was a bit surprised," Naomi continued. "I mean, he'd never shown that kind of interest before. We'd never even really talked, apart from corny pick up lines. He just likes hitting on everything that moves."

So she had noticed. Artemis felt oddly smug at that.

"I told him I'd rather be friends first, and he got all shifty and made some excuse about going back to the party. Later, I caught him making out with Fawny in the bathroom. And then even later, hitting on you."

Artemis processed this information slowly. Well, she'd always known Alex was a creep; this had just confirmed it. "Jerk Face," she muttered. It seemed the right sort of thing to say.

Naomi nodded. "Yeah… Well… I suppose we're all better off without him, really. I mean honestly, lead singer of 'The Poison Apples'? He acts as though he's God's bloody gift to Earth. More like God's bloody joke on Earth."

The girls laughed comfortably, and Artemis felt her headache lessen slightly due to the soothing drink and cheering atmosphere. _Maybe_, she thought_, just maybe, everything will be alright after all._

**A/N: Sorry if it got a tad sentimental… I'm trying to curb my instinct to gush, but so far it's failing terribly. OMIGOSH ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN CHOCOLATE CHIP MINT ICE CREAM! –GUSH!- …See what I mean? –KamquatBanana.**


	13. The Dangling Conversation

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Eek! That was an altogether too long absence! I'm terribly sorry for my naughty, naughty updating tendencies (or lack thereof); real life keeps getting in the way. Damn real life. But I've squished all my excuses into a closet now, and have resolved to FINISH. THIS. STORY. Yes. That is exactly what I shall do. Ahem. And on a completely different note, I've finally "made it" as a Fan Fiction writer ­— 100+ Reviews and a genuine flamer! Albeit an inarticulate, semi-literate flamer with delusions of romance with a fictional character, but still! -gushes- I'm so proud. -Kamqaut Banana**

**DISCLAIMER: Ha! I'm stealing characters and there's nothing you can do about it! Nya-nya-nya-nya (-spots imposing lawyers with briefcases) – Erm, I mean… NOT MINE.**

When Holly Short finally located Artemis, it was to find her safely at home, immersed in a game of solitaire. Her first reaction was one of fury; after searching all night for the mud girl, worrying she was in some terrible danger, the kid had the nerve to be PERFECTLY FINE! Why, she ought to…

But before Holly could formulate a plan to blast the Irish teen into the next century, the girl spoke.

"Ah, Holly. I was wondering when you'd see fit to check up on me," Artemis said wryly, barely glancing up from her cards.

The elf suppressed a growl. Artemis could be a complete brat at times… And yet…

"I'm just glad to see you safe and sound," she remarked, sighing. "You had me pacing back and forth all night, Artemis Fowl!"

The girl genius raised one immaculate eyebrow. "Did I?" she asked breezily. "My most profound apologies. I was a little… preoccupied."

It was Holly's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Doing _what_, may I ask?"

"That, dear Holly, is for me to know and for you to never, ever, find out."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes."

"Wanna Bet?"

"Holly… Why are you smiling like that? Holly? HOLLY! Agghhhhh Gerroff!"

Tickling. So much more effective then a Neutrino blaster.

-------------------

"So tell me Artemis… Why the long face?"

Artemis grimaced. Once again, she wondered what had possessed her to willingly see a counselor, after so many successful avoidances. _So the great Artemis Fowl II can stage kidnappings, heists, and hostage rescue missions without blinking an eye, but being a girl for a few weeks sends her into a tailspin_, the teenage mused silently.

Mrs. Pompendale didn't miss a beat, however, but prodded further. "Something wrong at home? Not sleeping well, perhaps? … Or could it be this mysterious issue I couldn't possibly understand?"

Artemis gulped. "Possibly."

The woman opposite nodded thoughtfully. After a pause, she murmured, "You know Artemis, whatever it is, you can tell me. I've heard a lot of things in my years as a therapist, some of it frankly unbelievable. But it's actually far less stressful if you just tell someone about it, instead of neurotically holding it in. Trust me. I know."

Artemis sighed. "Let's just say I've been having some girl trouble…"

And for the second time that day, the girl genius found herself spilling her guts.

-------------------

"…So basically I'm now stuck in the body of a girl with no plausible method of reversal, and my whole life has been turned upside-down and no one even realizes, and I think I may be in love with two of my best friends, but I don't know which one to choose and they think I'm a girl anyway, and this total jerk of a guy keeps hitting on my friends and I, and they all liked him until he made out with Fawny in the bathroom which is just gross, and to top it all off Holly – she's one of the fairy people – is visiting and if that's not stressful I don't know what is."

Artemis gasped for air and looked across the desk, where Mrs. Pompendale sat completely still, absorbing the current of words that had been flowing for nearly an hour now. Eventually she cleared her throat, looked directly in Artemis' eyes and said calmly, "Well. It seems you're a very complicated person indeed, Artemis Fowl." And then, with a flourish, she produced a slightly chipped china set. "Cup of tea?"

And Artemis suddenly knew it would all be okay.

-------------------

"Holly, I need you to help me."

"…"

"Please?"

"Words I never expected to hear from your mouth, Artemis."

"Pretty please?"

"Actually I think I'll just savor this moment for a minute or two. Do you by any chance have a video camera?"

"Holly…"

"Artemis…"

"FINE. Here's the camera. There's the recording button. PLEASE?"

"Hang on. You're not in focus yet."

"…!"

"Well it's hardy _my _fault fairy technology is far superior to your dinky mechanics. Oops! What's this button do?"

"That's the zoom feature. You are currently observing my thumb at supreme magnification. Genius, Miss Short. "

"Oh yeah? Well perhaps if Miss Fowl would like any help _at all_ she should stop critiquing and start begging."

"…"

"Go on."

"PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE?"

"With a cherry on top?"

"With a cherry on top!"

"AND whipped cream?"

"AND whipped cream!"

"ANDDDD chocolate sprinkles?"

"ANDDDD… For Goodness Sake Holly, how much are you planning to eat?"

"Foot. In. Mouth."

"Oh! Erm, right. But seriously, you should consider your blood pressure before…"

"NOW."

"Yes, Holly…"

"Well?"

"ANDDDD with chocolate sprinkles."

"Very good! So, what is it that you require my assistance with anyway, Miss Fancy Shmancy Genius Pants?"

"Well, uh, it's to do with this MISS business…"

"I was afraid of that…"

"Surely there's a way to-"

"I'm afraid I really can't-"

"And you could just-"

"But it's just not possible-"

"However if you only-"

"D'arvit! I said NO."

"…"

"Look, Artemis. I feel for you. Trust me, I do. I went to the council-"

"You WHAT?"

"-And they told me that you could be turned back-"

"They WHAT?"

"-But I really can't interfere at all. Even hint. You're on your own, mud girl."

"I'm WHAT?"

"I'm sorry. I wish I could do more for you. But this is strictly a check-up visit, and already I've probably told you too much. I should go now, before one of Commander Ark Sool's underlings and devotees gets in here and busts my ass for human contact. It's forbidden now, you know."

"Wait… WHAT?"

**A/N: Bleh. Sorry for the crappy shortness of chapters. My muse seems to reach a limit after a few pages… But hopefully next chapter shall explain all in lovely, long detail, as we venture forth into the FINALE. It's been a bumpy ride, folks… Thank you for strapping yourselves in! –Kamquat Banana.**


	14. Misfortune Comes In Threes

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Oh dear. I am a horrible updater, aren't I? Feel free to, erm, draw funny mustaches on my portrait or something. I'm SO sorry this took such an enormously long time… I rather gave up on this story for awhile, since I couldn't think of a decent way to end it without making it disgustingly cutesy or depressingly emo… Hopefully I haven't drifted too far in either direction, although I will warn you this chapter does contain slight Angsty!Arty, as well as MILD femmeslash, so if that's going to offend you I recommend you stop reading now. However I did try to go for a slightly longer chapter, in the hopes of making up for my extended absence… I'M SO VERY SORRY! DON'T HURT ME! And now, presenting… The Penultimate Chapter! -Kamqaut Banana**

**DISCLAIMER: The characters do not belong to me. The plot most definitely DOES.  
**

_I went to the council…_ _You could be turned back… I really can't interfere…_

Holly's words swam in Artemis' mind like goldfish in a murky pond. Her head felt screwed on backwards, the world felt upside down, the sun felt negatively charged…

She could turn back into her former self. She could be a boy again, regain the life she'd known for a good fourteen years, turn back the clock and forget this temporary insanity…

It seemed rather sudden, as if the answer to her prayers had been dropped on her head from a great height. Well, maybe not an exact solution, per se, but the _promise_ of an answer. She could do it. She could really do it.

But how? Holly didn't seem about to tell her, and if she wouldn't help Artemis, who would? Certainly none of the other Fairy people; she couldn't even get in contact with them thanks to Commander Ark Sool's final decree. And she couldn't ask anyone aboveground without being declared a nutter and chucked in the loony bin.

_You're on your own._

And it seemed she was. As highly opposed as the girl genius was to all of this finding-the-answer-to-life's-troubles-deep-inside-your-soul nonsense, it seemed she was left with no other option. It was either that, or extended therapy sessions for the rest of her life.

And just like that, Artemis Fowl remembered that there _was _one person aboveground who just might believe her story.

-------------------

"…And so apparently I can turn back into a boy again but I have absolutely no idea how and I can't ask anyone for help and I really, really don't know what to do so I thought I'd just ask you and see if maybe you had any suggestions or if you think I'm utterly insane… Well?"

Artemis paused, flushed and nervous, as Mrs. Pompendale nodded ever so slightly and took a deep drink of tea. Sitting back and clasping her hands together, she seemed to regard Artemis over her spectacles, absorbing the information that had been hitting her at a steady pace since her youngest client had walked in the door.

Eventually she spoke, and it was not in an annoying sing-songy voice or poor-you tone adults often adopt when talking to teenagers as though they were especially dim-witted and delusional children. It was the steady manner of one who knows that some things, no matter how fantastical they may seem to an outsider, can be true, even if only to the person they concern.

"I believe your story, Miss Fowl."

Artemis let loose a breath of air she had not even known she'd been holding.

"However… I'm not sure how you expect me to help you."

The girl blinked. This, she hadn't anticipated.

"We-ell… I presumed that since you now have all the information at hand and we both agree that I am not a madwoman, we could proceed onto discussing tactics and solutions. You are an expert at solving other people's problems, are you not?"

Mrs. Pompendale smiled slightly, but it was with an air of sadness that she replied, "I do not claim to be an expert, nor do I claim to solve people's problems. I merely help people to discover the solution themselves, by talking them through the issue and providing an outsider's perspective. And as for your particular problem, Miss Fowl… Artemis… I'm not sure I can be of much help at all."

"But… But you said yourself, you help people discover the solutions themselves by talking them through it… Well great! Why can't we just talk through this and devise some means of getting me out of my current predicament…"

"I'm afraid that wouldn't do much good. I'd be happy to talk to you, Artemis, but I'm simply out of my depth here. This is not something we can simply strategize and outsmart into submission. I believe you are, regrettably, going to have solve this one on your own."

And so saying, she laid down her cup of tea and closed her eyes, as though suddenly tired.

Artemis gulped, trying not to sound as frustrated as she felt. "So that's it, then? There's nothing more you can do for me? No pearls of wisdom to lift me out of these troubled times?"

"I'm sorry, Artemis. I only wish I could help. If you ever need to talk… Well, you know where to find me."

_Strike one against Artemis Fowl II._

-------------------

Artemis stalked out of her therapist's office and down the dizzyingly long flight of stairs, out of the building and into the blinding afternoon sunlight, muttering crossly.

So her shrink couldn't help her. No big deal. She could handle this itty-bitty problem on her own, couldn't she? She was, after all, a Fowl, and a Fowl could do anything they set their mind to.

Striding down the street, she tried to convince herself that it would be fine, just fine. She'd crack this code just like any other, and be right as rain in the blink of an eye…

Slumping to sit on a wooden bench on the side of the street, the Irish youth felt all of her compelling denials slink away from her, leaving her with the cold truth. She _couldn't _do this on her own. She'd never been able to do _anything _on her own, really.

And that's when it hit her. Her partner-in-crime and a whole lot more, her numero uno confidante, and an extremely good friend… It was time to have a little tête-à-tête with Domovoi Butler.

-------------------

Artemis hadn't really talked to Butler since her life-altering transformation. Caught up in the madness that her life had become, she'd found herself spending less and less time in the Fowl manor and more out discovering a different side to life. Not to mention the extreme embarrassment a conversation like the one she was about to have might contain.

But now, seeing him puttering around the kitchen in his cozy old slippers, she wished she'd kept to the promise she'd made to herself when Butler had stepped down as her official bodyguard: to spend as much time with the man as possible.

She'd nearly forgotten his warm, gentle, and altogether reassuringly _sturdy _presence, and the sense of calm she felt washing over herself when near him. He had a way of making even the most desperate of situations look hopeful; of restoring optimism with a single word. And, as an added plus, he was always on her side. She couldn't believe she hadn't confided in him sooner.

"Butler, I need… to talk to you. In private, please," Artemis added, upon noticing Juliet also skulking around the kitchen. She shot both of them a what's-all-this-about look and retired into the living room, taking a bag of crisps and an entire jug of milk with her.

Artemis got right down to business.

"Please listen to what I have to say and do not interrupt until I am finished. I swear to you that I am telling the truth and the entire truth, and if I am not, may… may… Holly Short zap me into oblivion with her Neutrino blaster. Now. For some time I have found myself in a most awkward position. Namely, that as punishment for my little escapade involving Commander Ark Sool, the People saw fit to change my gender, which had hitherto been male, despite what memories you may have been falsely fed by them; unto female. I thus find myself trapped in the body of a girl, with the mind and personality of my previous self; thus, essentially, a boy. Have I lost you yet?"

Wordlessly, Butler shook his head 'no'.

"Right. I was unsure, for a period of time, as to the properties of this enchantment, or whatever you will call it; and whether the effects were, in fact, reversible. Recently, a certain Miss Short came to call and informed me that I could, in fact, remove the affliction through some means she did not explain, merely saying that she could not help me in any way. My therapist expressed the same views, and so I find myself stuck, with the hopes that you, my old friend, can help me… I am only sorry I did not tell you sooner… Domovoi."

Artemis took a deep breath and waited for his friend's patient, steady voice to tell him that everything would be okay, and he only had to do this or that…

So it came as a bit of a surprise when Butler, having found his voice after a couple of minutes spent gaping at the girl sitting opposite him, remarked quietly:

"I believe Holly and your counselor were right to side-step out of this one."

It was Artemis' turn to gape. Was this the same man who had always stood by Artemis' side, an unwavering force of loyalty and guidance, should she need it? A mentor, a friend, and a helping hand whenever she felt herself slipping… And he thought it best to _side-step_?

"Surely you can help…?" Artemis found herself saying in an unnaturally small voice. Weak, almost. It was as though someone had knocked out her back-up defense strategy, leaving her open and vulnerable. If even Butler wouldn't help, then who…?

"I'm sorry, Artemis. This is one venture I'm afraid I can't be of assistance on."

And with a brief hug and a pat on the back, Butler left the kitchen, leaving Artemis white-faced and drawn. For the first time in her life, she seemed to be entirely… on her own.

_Strike two._

-------------------

Artemis wasn't even sure where her feet were taking her until she wound up in front of Naomi's front door. Still not really thinking about what she was doing, feeling crazed and desperate and curiously numb, she rang the doorbell and tried to ignore the feeling of panic closing in on her.

"Oh hi Artemis! I didn't expect to see you today, but the more the merrier… Come on in and have some cupcakes; I've decorated them with some little icing llamas…"

Artemis allowed herself to be swept indoors by Naomi, who seemed to be in a very good mood and now had bright red hair, which bounced around like a fiery flame as she stuffed cupcakes into the other girl's hands. "I've just finished baking them, so they're still all warm and kind of squishy… Go on, eat up!"

Artemis half-heartedly took a bite out of one of the cupcakes. It tasted like pure chocolate-y sugar, which probably explained Naomi's cheerful high spirits.

Hastily swallowing, she managed to stutter, "C-can we… Talk?"

"Sure thing!" Naomi burbled excitedly. "Let's go to my room, only-" here she dropped her voice to a low whisper, "My mum's prowling around the living room… Here, grab a couple of cupcakes and keep it down until I shut the door. No need to arouse parental suspicion."

And, giggling madly, she began to crawl along the ground until they reached her bedroom, home to many a wild sleepover and looking as disheveled as ever. There were heaps of clothes on the floor, stacks of artwork by the door, and various odds and ends dumped unceremoniously on the unmade bed. Artemis nervously cleared a patch on the bed and sat down while Naomi stuffed some sort of sweater under the door.

"So… Why the frown, amigo?"

"Well… I…" _Where to begin?_ Artemis wondered.

As if reading her mind, Naomi breathed excitedly, "Start from the very beginning. I can tell this is important."

And so, in a messy bedroom, amidst a pile of laundry and magazines and with Naomi's mother lurking just outside, Artemis began to tell the tale of exactly how she had come to know the underground civilization…

-------------------

"And I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this, except that you're one of my closest friends and I really don't have anywhere else to turn, so I'm really sorry to burden you with it all but I'd really, really appreciate some help and I just… I just don't know what else to do. Will you help me?"

Artemis finished the entire story for the third time that day and sat anxiously biting her lip, watching Naomi's face for signs of emotion.

The redhead was chewing on her fourth cupcake thoughtfully, nodding ever so slightly and rocking back and forth. Artemis wasn't sure if this was usual behavior or due to the improbable nature of her story.

"Well… Do you even believe me?" the girl genius asked, hesitantly.

Naomi paused and licked her icing llama. After what felt like an eternity to Artemis, she murmured., "I don't know."

"Um… Are you leaning towards any particular decision right now?"

"I… Well I'm just thinking out loud here… But it seems to me that whether I can believe in all of this is besides the point. The point is that I believe that you're going through it, and… And if there's someway I can help, I will. I mean, who's to say it's not real? Maybe it's only real to you, or me, or someone in Timbuktu, but that still means it's real to us… If it's what you feel."

Artemis paused. She wasn't sure if that was moderately wise or insane garble, but she accepted it gratefully either way. Naomi _believed_ her…

"Thanks… So, uh, what do we do now?"

There was a pause.

"I think… I think you really need to address how you feel, first off. So, erm, how do you feel?"

"Apart from slightly sugar-high, rather insane, and a good deal embarrassed? Fine."

Naomi laughed. "Okay. Besides that. I mean about… You know. Being a _girl_."

"Well…" Artemis struggled to articulate exactly how she'd been feeling since waking up with an extra X chromosome. "Bloody confused, actually. I mean… On one hand, it's not so bad; I've got you lot as friends, I've settled into school, I'm not… I'm not so cold and self-reliant. I've actually had more fun these last few weeks then in my entire life. And I don't want to leave all that behind. But… I feel so utterly _wrong_. Out of place. Like I don't belong in this body any more then you belong in the body of a cocker spaniel. I want to get back to myself, before… Before I forget who I really am. Before I get caught up in this life and never return, or worse yet, do something to betray who I really am… Do something I shouldn't…"

Artemis swallowed and stopped herself abruptly. She hadn't meant to babble on like that. And she suddenly wasn't altogether sure it was a good idea to get into all of this right here, right now, with Naomi leaning in concernedly, placing a hand on her knee… Artemis could smell the other girl's light shampoo, mingled with the lingering scent of hair dye and a slight sprinkle of cupcake. Artemis involuntarily leaned closer just to smell it, and Naomi's bright red hair tickled her arms as she opened her mouth to speak, looking worried as Artemis drew closer still, bewitched by the way the sunlight from the open window cast shadows on her face and lit up her hair…

She really knew she shouldn't have kissed her. But it was worth it for that moment of sweet sunlight-infused, cupcake-enhanced heaven. It was less then a second, a brief meeting of lips, but for Artemis, it was both extreme ecstasy and pure agony.

Because now the jig was up. Now it was bye-bye friendship and moral support, bye-bye hopes of becoming a boy, bye-bye _Naomi._

Artemis jumped up from the bed and fairly sped to the door. "I-I'm really… I… So… Sorry…"

And without waiting for a reply, she wrenched open the door and ran out of the house, ducking Naomi's astonished mother in the living room with a quick, "ThankssomuchforhavingmeMsSpenton!" She ran all the way down the street and didn't stop running until she had made it back home and collapsed on her bed, hiding under the sheets like she used to when she was a little kid. Where everything was safe and dark because no could find you, no one could hurt you; it was all okay…

She was alone now.

_Strike three._

-------------------

It was several hours before Angelina Fowl found her daughter curled up in a little cocoon of blankets, the top sheet over her head like a tent to protect her from the elements. Softly, carefully, she pulled back the sheet to reveal Artemis' blotchy, tearstained face peering out at her.

"Mum," warbled Artemis in a tone Angelina had not heard for at least ten years, "Mum, I've made a horrible mess out of everything."

Angelina sighed and looked down at her nearly grown daughter, rubbing her nose desolately on a blanket and wiping tears from her face, and she did the very same thing she did with the crying, teething toddler over a decade ago. She swept Artemis up into a colossal hug, something she had not been allowed to do since her daughter had turned eight and read in some psychology book that smothering children with love led to dependence in later years. She hugged her until the last of the sniffling had stopped, and the snot had stopped flowing quite so readily, and then she asked what was wrong.

"I… I don't know what to do. No one will help me and I… I scared everyone away. And now I don't know how to do it by myself. I need help…"

This caused a new outbreak of sniffling from Artemis, but Angelina just smoothed down her daughter's hair and said gently, "I find that when a problem seems to big for you to tackle, you're often approaching it from the wrong angle."

Artemis went quiet as she considered this. Sitting up a little, she asked, "But… How am I supposed to…?"

"Think about it," her mother responded calmly, "And you'll know."

And she got up, kissed the top of her daughter's head, and walked serenely out the door, leaving Artemis to her thoughts.

-------------------

Artemis was not in the habit of being alone. She did not like being alone. And yet, for much of her life, she _was _alone. When her father was kidnapped and her mother unresponsive to life… All she had was Butler, and even he couldn't be there _all _the time. She had learned to cope on her own; to strike out against the big bad world and take what you could from it without getting burned.

Yes, she had faced many battles, private battles, on her own… In her own mind…

So what made this problem so daunting? Well, it was like nothing she'd ever faced before, that was for sure. But before she'd faced those other problems they were surely just as unknown? Her mother had told her to look at the problem from a different angle… To think about it…

Artemis had come up with many ingenious plans, foiled brilliant schemes and always used her brain to a ferocious degree. But had she ever really stopped to think about this particular predicament? No. She knew without hesitation. She'd been avoiding it all along, hoping it would just go away of it's own accord, or that someone else would solve it for her.

Everyone had told her… She had to solve it _herself_… It wasn't that they didn't want to help, it was that they _couldn't_… Only she contained the knowledge, the perspective, the emotionto decipher something so personal to her.

And all this time she'd been pushing it to the back of her mind, blanking out the very evidence that could restore her to herself… _him_self.

She just had to take a closer look.

Arriving breathlessly at her destination, Artemis cast a fervent glance around and hoped to God she'd guessed correctly. The mall was fairly empty for a weekend, with only a few elderly looking tourists wandering about the shops vaguely. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and withdrew the shiny copper '78 penny from her jeans pocket.

_Here goes nothing._

Concentrating hard, she turned around and threw the coin over her shoulder, up in the air where it sailed smoothly towards the little golden bell at the top of the fountain…

And missed. It landed with a tiny splash in the water, to join thousands of other unfortunates at the bottom of the fountain. Whirling around, Artemis was just in time to see it land, waves of disappointment rippling outward like the ripples in the clear pool in front of her.

_Batter out._

**A/N: Right… Sorry to leave it here; I will still be posting one FINAL chapter, soon to come… Basically wrapping things up nicely and deciding the future of little Arty here, gender-wise. However now that I'm actually writing this story again I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE not to make you wait so long for an update! Tremendous love and llama-iced cupcakes to all those who continue to bear with me and read my increasingly late installments! –Kamquat Banana**


	15. The End?

**Title: I Feel Like A Woman**

**Author: Kamquat Banana**

**Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)**

**A/N: Thank you, one and all, for continuing to put up with my sporadic updating tendencies and overall madness! This shall be the -gasp!- LAST chapter; as I'm ultimately too lazy to continue this story any further. SooOOOOOoo... Chocolate chip mint ice cream for all! -Kamquat Banana  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm a marshmallow.**

…**And I don't own any of it. NYA!**

Artemis Fowl Junior was still sound asleep when Angelina crept in to open the curtains and deliver a breakfast tray. Wrapped entirely in covers with only a wisp of hair poking out, the Irish youth was blissfully unaware of the sudden glare of sunlight filling the room, nor of the delectable smells wafting from the tray beside the bed.

Angelina regarded her sleeping child thoughtfully before tiptoeing out of the room and closing the door softly behind her. Best to let sleeping teenagers lie; and besides, after the traumatic events of yesterday Arty certainly deserved a proper rest.

So it was not until several hours later that Artemis awoke, and, feeling rather lethargic and yawning widely, began to tuck into the now-cold scrambled eggs and toast. After a leisurely breakfast in bed, the Fowl heir sighed and trudged towards the bathroom, remembering the events of yesterday and feeling a heavy weight descend once more.

_Well, you win some, you lose some, _Artemis thought glumly, reaching for a brush to tame the unruly mane of hair that the young millionaire knew, from experience, would be sticking up in all directions at once…

The brush wobbled in the air for sometime before Artemis realized that it was not making contact with anything.

_Bloody mornings… _Was the first thought that sprang to mind, as the genius struggled to wake up enough to perform this most basic of tasks.

But still the brush failed to reach hair of any sort. "Ow!" Artemis had managed to locate a shoulder, a neck, but no hair… Ah, there it was, further up then usual but there nonetheless…

Frowning, the Irish youth turned slowly to face the mirror hanging on the opposite bathroom wall. Was this some sort of surreal dream, or…?

Artemis' reflection stared back, looking bewildered and distinctly… _unfeminine._

A scream sounded through the bathroom, and Artemis was ashamed to admit it was distinctly high-pitched. For a boy, that was.

-------------------

"MUM! MUMMMMMMMM! MUH-THERRR!"

Artemis raced down the stairs three at a time, leapt down onto the ground and swung around the banister into the living room. He skipped down the hallway, danced through the parlor and skidded to a stop in the kitchen, where Angelina Fowl was reading the newspaper and tapping her foot absent-mindedly to the radio.

Breathless, eyes gleaming and head spinning, Artemis babbled excitedly, "MUM! Look! I'm ME again! I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a BOY! I did it Mum, I followed your advice and it's all okay again, I'M ME!"

Angelina looked up, bemused, from her paper. "But of course you're you, darling. When were you ever someone else?"

"I-" Artemis paused. His mother seemed to have no recollection of her son's time spent as a member of the opposite sex, her eyes surveying Artemis with good-natured amusement. If the fairy people could make everyone believe Artemis was, and always had been, a girl, surely they could do the same thing now…?

"I- Never mind. The point is, I've never felt better. And it's all thanks to your advice, Mum."

Angelina beamed. "Glad to have helped. Although I must say, I'm not entirely sure what it was I did to inspire such confidence… Goodness me, I haven't seen you quite this happy since you finished reading that set of encyclopedias we bought you in grade four!"

At that moment Artemis Senior ambled in through the kitchen door, a laptop balanced haphazardly under one arm. "What's that, Angie? Ah yes, those encyclopedias… We couldn't drag you away from them for a month…" Chuckling to himself, he took a seat next to his wife and began to read the paper over her shoulder, before adding in a preoccupied tone, "I say, Arty; aren't you going to be rather late for school?"

Artemis took one look at the clock on the wall and swore under his breath. School. Right. Somehow he'd managed to forget about _that _little obstacle…

Dashing back up to his room, he found that all of the glitter-emblazoned miniskirts and brightly colored tank tops had returned to the boring row of stuffy suits. Feeling an unexpected sense of loss, Artemis glared at the ground, below which an entire race of fairy People were going about their business, and muttered angrily, "Couldn't you have at least left the polka dot rain boots?

-------------------

Feeling rather odd in his neatly crisp Armani suit, the boy genius ran out of the large, stately Fowl manor and strapped himself hurriedly into the limousine awaiting him. He wasn't sure why the mere sight of his closet was making him feel so wretched, almost as though he'd lost something he hadn't known he'd miss…

Pushing these disturbing thoughts to the back of his mind, he nodded a greeting to Butler, in the driver's seat, and Juliet, beside him.

"To St. Bartleby's, Sir?" Butler asked, smoothly pulling out of the driveway. Artemis blinked. Right. St. Bartleby's was the school he would be attending, now that he was restored to his former self…

He felt another annoying pang in his chest. Werthington wasn't all that bad, once you got used to it; and at least he'd had _friends_…

Unbidden, images of the 'gang' resurfaced: Fawny, hitting things with her lunchbox gleefully… Caitlin, singing Spice Girls at the top of her lungs as Hilary rolled her eyes and thumped her affectionately with a handbag… Millie, recounting random Coca Cola trivia and mocking Alex in the bathroom, rolling around with laughter… Naomi, dashing into class late and befriending the new girl immediately… Inviting her to sleepovers and band practices, sharing secrets and girly gossip, painting her toenails and baking cupcakes…

Did they even remember Artemis, now that all memories of his former girliedom had apparently been wiped from the planet's memory? And if they did, what would they think of him now? They certainly wouldn't want to be his friend, if they knew the truth about who he really was…

Artemis gulped, a lump forming in his throat. He'd learned so much these last few weeks, had the time of his life and finally… _let go. _Lived a little. And it was all thanks to finally having _friends_.

How was he supposed to continue on without them?

_You have to, _he told himself sternly, _you've been on your own before and it hasn't killed you yet. Besides, as if you could ever go back after messing things up so badly with Naomi…_

Slumping back into his seat, he muttered, "Yeah. Take me to St. Bartleby's."

Butler nodded and the limo sped down the highway, overtaking other traffic at an alarming rate. His eyes were fixed to the road, but something about his posture and the question hidden in his earlier question struck Artemis as odd. Surely he didn't remember…?

"Er, Butler?" the Irish youth asked nervously, hardly daring to hope he was right.

"Yes?"

"Why… Why did you ask if I would be going to St.Bartleby's?"

Butler glanced at his former charge in the rear view mirror and Artemis could have sworn he saw the flicker of a smile flit across his face. "Well, I merely wondered if you might prefer another destination. I hear Werthington's always has room for further pupils…"

Blinking rapidly, Artemis struggled to make sense of the situation. His analytical mind was already going into overdrive, telling him that what he was thinking right now was crazy; why should this make any difference upon him whatsoever? And yet his heart rate had quickened, he was breathing faster, and he couldn't deny the flutter of excitement he felt at Butler's words.

Feeling impulsively rash, Artemis replied, "I do believe a change of scenery might do me some good. Butler, if you could be so kind…?"

"Certainly, Artemis."

Juliet stared at the two of them, her brow furrowing as she took in the smug, knowing look on both of their faces. "Alright… What exactly is going on here?" she asked peevishly.

"I'm sure I don't know _what _you're talking about," Artemis replied calmly.

"Perhaps Artemis is feeling not entirely… _himself._"

Juliet looked even more mystified as the two erupted into hearty chuckles at this. Raising her eyes to the ceiling and turning to the window, she muttered, "_Boys…_"

-------------------

Artemis took a deep breath as he stepped out of the stretch limousine and stared up at what would once again be his new school. There were no students milling around the outside, as it was well past the start of classes; only a few hardcore smokers were huddled in the field nearby, shuffling their feet and lighting up.

Letting the breath go and mentally preparing himself for the worst, Artemis jogged up the building's steps and towards his first period, English Honors. He was, of course, dreadfully late, and the room was at the opposite end of the school, so he was not surprised to find no seats available when he burst in, disheveled and panting slightly.

"And you are…?" Mrs. Brettany peered over her spectacles inquisitively, taking in the messy-haired, designer suit-wearing boy in front of her. He seemed oddly familiar, but she couldn't figure out why…

"Artemis Fowl. The Second," Artemis mumbled, aware of the entire class staring at him open-mouthed.

"I see. Well Mr. Fowl, I'm afraid I do not see you on my attendance list…"

"I'm new," Artemis interrupted hurriedly. "Today's my first day. I may not be properly registered in the school system yet."

Mrs. Brettany raised an eyebrow but did not question him further. "Well then I suggest you take a seat, Mr. Fowl. Class began forty-five minutes ago."

Artemis glanced around frantically. Yes, there were the usual gaping faces, a few snickers, and of course no empty desks to be found…

And there, just as he'd known she would be, sitting in her usual desk and looking slightly bored while twirling a strand of red hair absentmindedly around her pencil, was Naomi.

Artemis pulled up a seat next to her desk and smiled, searching for signs of recognition, of friendship, or possibly of disgust…

Naomi blinked and looked up. Her face twisted into a look of confusion for a split-second before she smiled and announced cheerfully, "Hi! I'm Naomi. Naomi Spenton. Welcome to Werthington, the crazy school."

Artemis had the weirdest feeling of déjà vu. Pins and needles were tracing his spine as sweat formed on his upper lip. "Um… Hi. I'm Artemis Fowl II… No plans for a third…"

Naomi laughed gleefully and clapped her hands together hyperactively. Peering closer at his face, she asked quizzically, "Do I… Know you from somewhere?"

"Maybe."

"Hmm.. No wait, let me guess… Are you that pizza guy on the corner who always wears his hat over his face so the zombies won't eat it?"

Artemis laughed. "It's entirely possible. Or I could be some crackpot door-to-door salesperson in my spare time, who's only life ambition is to take over the world from blue-tongued aliens."

Naomi bounced up and down in her chair happily. "Oh, you really _have_ to come eat lunch with me… Wait until the others meet you… It'll be SPIFFERIFIC!"

Mrs. Brettany marched over, trying to maintain an air of authority but smiling in amusement. "Miss Spenton, Mr. Fowl, I would ask that while you remain in my classroom you remain focused on your _text books. _Page seventy-two."

Artemis grinned and opened his textbook, getting out a new piece of paper to write on. He had been given a fresh start, another chance at this craziness called life.

And he sure as hell wasn't going to mess it up this time.

-------------------

Foaly made a great sweeping gesture and announced in a falsely breathless voice, "Isn't it romanticcccc?"

Holly stifled a laugh and responded in an equally gushing tone, "Ooh yessss! Arty and Na-o, sittin' in a tree… K-I-S-S…"

A small sniffling noise distracted her from her outright mockery. She glanced over to see Chix Verbil snuffling and sniffling as he stared, transfixed, at the plasma TV screen broadcasting Artemis and Naomi's flirtation.

"You have got to be kidding me…" Holly muttered incredulously.

Chix wiped his eyes hastily with the back of his hand. "What? I'm not… It's not… It's allergy season, okay!"

Foaly was staring at Chix now, too, a look of utter glee on his face.

"Um, Chix?" Holly snorted. "We don't _have _allergens underground."

"Oh, this is rich…" Foaly was snickering evilly.

"I- I- OH all RIGHT! I happen to think it's very… _moving_," Chix mumbled, eyes still glued to the TV, where Naomi seemed to be persuading Artemis to wear something other then a suit every single day.

Foaly and Holly erupted into outright laughter. Howling, clutching their sides, leaning against each other for support…

"Ooh," Chix said, tearing his eyes away from the screen for the first time. "Do I sense our very own underground romance taking place? _Foaly and Holl-y, sittin' in a tree…"_

Chix suddenly found himself tackled to the ground, pinned underneath an extremely irate elf and a rather heavy centaur, who was threatening to crush his wings at any second.

"Eek! Alright! I surrender, I surrender…"

"Good," Holly said menacingly, getting up. But upon closer inspection, her face was flushed an unusual shade of red, comparable only to Foaly's unnatural blush.

Chix chuckled quietly to himself. Oh yes, romance was in the air…

**A/N: And that, dear readers, is where I'll leave you to form your own conclusions. I'm sorry if this wasn't all-inclusive enough to satisfy; _if_, and only if, an epilogue seems to be needed I will add one. Well, that's it for me… Thanks so very much for traveling through the delusional swamp I call my mind. Toodles! –Kumquat Banana**


End file.
